​Many of us have felt like an imposter at some point in our lives.  Feeling this way a lot of the time can seem like living in a play written by someone else who will decide when our part comes to an end.

Valuing Ourselves and our Accomplishments
There is frequently a mismatch between how we see ourselves and what others think of us.  There are people whose upbringing means they feel secure, even entitled, who exaggerate their abilities.  Others may not have a secure base to build upon and are grateful for what they are given and always ready to have it taken away.

Most of us would wish to inhabit the middle ground where we have learned about our strengths and our weaknesses.  We have developed a reasonably accurate sense of our value and what we can accomplish.

Never Good Enough
Reflection can be helpful as it causes us to examine our true value and the real meaning of what we have achieved.  Chronic self-doubt can become crippling as we question everything and never feel that we are good enough.  Whatever we do or become is always tainted by a sense that it could be better.  This leaves us feeling empty and all our achievements seem hollow.

Feeling Undeserving
Our early years are instrumental in teaching us what we deserve.  Without realising we can absorb negative messages that can colour our expectations forever.  We may be told we are stupid or ugly, that we will never amount to anything or that we should set our sights very low so as not to be disappointed.

We underestimate our own value or overestimate what is needed to achieve and these feelings hold us back from ever trying for a greater prize.  We find ourselves settling for second best and being grateful for crumbs from another’s table.

Fear of Exposure
When we find ourselves somewhere that is more than we thought was possible, we may believe it is only temporary.  We imagine we are living someone else’s life and that one day everything will be taken away from us and given to another.

Feeling we are about to be discovered for who we really are, we are constantly preparing for the humiliation and shame we believe will inevitably follow.  This can be exhausting and a distraction which might even bring about the failure that we fear.

Accepting Compliments
When someone says something good we do not all hear the same thing.  Many of us have become deaf to compliments and only focus on negative comments.  Success becomes the absence of criticism.  This keeps us from taking any chances and aiming higher than our reach.

Stretching Ourselves
Punching above our weight is a common criticism.  Though sometimes used as banter, it also suggests a hierarchy and we are not as high up as we think.  Reaching beyond our current abilities can be about stretching ourselves so that we can do more.  We begin not knowing then through learning, experience and support we can move to another level.

Reality Check
We are told to push ourselves forward, big ourselves up and that confidence is everything. However we have developed many ways to keep each other down. There is a quieter but more insistent voice that says this is not for us and we are fools to think otherwise.

Comparing ourselves with others will always leave us wanting. The myriad of media presents us with limitless opportunities for comparison.  Yet these are mythical people and even those around us are only showing us what they want us to see.  If we have the humility to recognise that most good fortune is a mix of effort, ability and luck we can perhaps accept that we did the best we could with what we had at the time.  

Finding our Authentic Voice
​It can be a struggle to decide whose opinion counts. We hear so many voices throughout our lives telling us who we are and how we should be. Much of the time it can be hard to dial them down so we are able to hear ourselves speak our own beliefs, fears and ambitions.  When the words become truly our own we are no longer vulnerable to the conflicting stories told by those around us.

Perhaps if we can accept our faults and recognise our unique combination of experience and abilities, we can focus on simply becoming a better version of ourselves.  If we are all imposters then who is real?

© 2019 Michael Golding

A couple of famous songs tell us to regret nothing or perhaps accept a few as long as we do it our way.  In reality regrets can easily accumulate, dragging us down so we spend more time looking backwards than forwards.
 
No Choices no Regrets
Regret can be the price we pay for the choices we make.  If we do not make many choices then perhaps we can avoid having too many regrets.  This risks having an unfulfilled life where we have avoided challenges and uncertainty.  Saying no can create a particular form of regret for what might have been.
 
Different Stages of our Lives
It might seem that when we are young we have so much ahead of us that we do not need to waste time reflecting upon the past.   In old age our biggest regret might be that we spent so little time reviewing our actions that we wasted so much more repeating them.  Perhaps we need to strike a balance between taking enough time to learn from consequences without dwelling too long upon them.
 
Repeating Patterns
It can be a hard lesson to learn that responding to situations in the same way will mostly bring about the same outcome.  If we do not appreciate this then we can easily fall into a repetitive cycle of regret.  We feel negatively about what has, or has not, happened but do not know enough about it to make the necessary shift to prevent it from happening again.
 
Understanding our Regret
Strong feelings of regret can be the starting point for permanent positive change.  Taking this as a headline we can unpick the various strands of the story to try and understand what did not work for us and why.  As well as feeling bad about the consequences of our actions, we may also be thinking of what might have happened if we had chosen differently.  This is the fantasy future that we imagine might have come about if we had acted differently.
 
Chances to Change
Each time a similar situation comes around we are being offered a chance to change.  This means appreciating that we have a choice and are not on a fixed track where we must go where we are sent.  Recognising that we can do things differently is the first step and perhaps regret is the spur daring us to change.
 
Importance of Context
Similar actions at different times may not always have the same outcome.  It may not be what we did but when we did it.  Nor do we act in isolation as there are often other players whose decisions contribute to shaping things.  Placing our actions within a context we can separate the foreground from the background and identify the relative impact of each on how this particular story unfolded.
 
Atonement
When others have been hurt or upset by choices we have made it may be that this needs to be addressed before we can put the experience behind us.   An acknowledgment such as an apology may be enough for some people as it shows we recognise the impact of our actions. Others might need us to make good by repairing the damage through more positive actions.  Atonement can be an important step in fully integrating all we have learned from our experience.
 
Mourn and Move On
The gift of regret is the knowledge of what to do differently.  By focussing on our actions, or inaction, and not on ourselves we can regret what we did rather than who we are or have become.  Reflecting on what might have been may also be a necessary part of the process.  We may need to mourn the loss of possible futures we might have imagined for ourselves.  If we are unable to try again, we must let them go or they will drag us down.  By fully appreciating what happened we can learn to embrace the experience, accept that it is a part of what has made us who we are and move on.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

Being abandoned brings a unique mix of emotions because it can raise important questions that might remain unanswered for the rest of our lives.
 
Different Forms of Abandonment
The feeling comes from having being left behind, often suddenly, and usually without any explanation.  It may be a partner or a parent leaving to pursue another life that we may never be a part of; a child that runs away who is never heard of again; or even someone dying suddenly and leaving us alone.
 
Whatever happens, it can feel as if someone has rejected the life they shared with us and chosen to go somewhere we cannot follow.
 
The Fallout from Being Abandoned
When a relationship ends there will always be unanswered questions.  When this happens suddenly without sufficient explanation those questions may continue to reverberate throughout our life.  The emotional ripples will affect each of us differently.  We may feel excluded, possibly even rejected, and carry a sense of loss for the unknown life that might have been.  Without the comfort of having any context within which to place the event, we are left uncertain with only our imagination to help us fill in the gaps.
 
Different Impact for Children and Adults
Children tend not to have developed a solid sense of their identity and so could be more vulnerable to creating a negative story in which they are to blame for the actions of others.  They are also at risk of developing a sense that this is all they deserve and a persistent fear that it will happen again which may affect all of their future relationships.
 
Adults tend to have a stronger sense of self and so could be less likely to draw conclusions which position them as villains in the story.  However doubts are likely to persist and fear of exclusion or rejection can feed into our future emotional responses.  We are part of the story but we may struggle to find a role that fits.
 
A Form of Loss
Abandonment is a unique form of loss.  We have lost the image of the person we thought we knew as their unexpected actions demonstrate how wrong we were about them.  Gone too is the future we believed we would share.  We may also have lost a sense of ourselves as a good person if we do not deserve someone to stay around or at least to stay in touch. At the very least our judgement of others has been undermined.
 
While it can be important to mourn your loss this can seem impossible if you are unsure what you have lost, why and who is to blame.
 
Creating a Context
Being able to move on requires us to have a credible story we can tell ourselves and others. The child of a single parent must rely upon the possibly biased account of the one left behind.  The adopted child may have nobody to tell them the reason why.  Children leaving the parental home without warning create a space that exists forever.
 
It can be hard to imagine a realistic context for any situation when it is seen through a veil of complex emotions.  
 
Unanswered Questions
The future slate has been wiped clean but the past remains to be scrutinised again and again in the search for clues.  Often our focus will be on what we did or did not do, though perhaps the most elusive thread is whether there is anything we can still do to bring them back into our life.  Resolution requires us to deal with these questions, even if it means accepting that we may never know.
 
Secret Shame
It is tempting to conclude we were abandoned because we were not valued enough for them to stay around or to take us with them.  Believing that others will draw a similar conclusion can mean we keep from sharing that part of our lives.  Carrying this secret shame will affect the way we see ourselves and what we feel we deserve from others. Holding back parts of our story can be a barrier to intimacy and allows unspoken beliefs to fester unchallenged.
 
Responsibility not Blame
Perhaps if we can identify a different villain for our story we will be able to move beyond blaming ourselves.  While there may have been a number of villains, blame is unlikely to help us close the chapter and move ahead unhindered.  If the goal becomes understanding rather than judging, then responsibility can be apportioned without blame.
 
Closing the Chapter
A possible starting point is to recognise that another’s actions are not our responsibility. We are not accountable for their choices, even though we may have had a role to play.   Find a story that fits what you know and that does not include too many guesses.  Avoid creating devils and angels, but instead view the characters as people trying to resolve situations the best way they knew how however flawed that may have been.  Finally try to let go of what you cannot know, so that you are able to turn the page and move ahead without always looking back.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

Many of us look forward to the Christmas holidays.   It is a time when families and friends come together and share memories of the past and hopes for the future.  We exchange gifts and enjoy delicious meals.  While this may be what makes Christmas special, these are also reasons why some find it one of the most difficult and stressful times of the year.

The Meaning of Christmas
Religious stories play a significant role for many people, and the nativity can have a particular attraction for children.  Whatever this may mean for us, it is also a holiday which stretches from Christmas Eve through to the celebrations that accompany New Year.  

For many of us Christmas is about getting together with extended families, buying and wrapping gifts, decorating our homes inside and out and cooking a wider variety of things to eat.   Coupled with New Year celebrations it can be a time for taking off the brakes and not holding back.  

Recapturing the Past
Many people’s vision of Christmas dates back to the Victorian period and Charles Dickens, though every culture has their own traditions.  Common to all is perhaps nostalgia for an experience of the past, possibly imagined through the innocent eyes of a child.

Many of us try hard to recreate this in the hope that we can escape the pressures of today and experience the simple joys, expectation and delight that we remember from our own childhood whether real or imagined.

Making this One the Best
Every year we are encouraged to make this Christmas better than the last and in this time of austerity it is tempting to try to make up for any disappointments we may have experienced during the year.

It is hard not to make comparisons between our experiences and the idealised ones we see on television and that we imagine are taking place behind the frosted windows of other peoples’ homes.

The Other Side of Christmas
There is another side to Christmas. Spending time with people because we owe them a visit rather than wishing to see them can lead to tensions that can emerge as conflict.  Relationships that are shaky might struggle to survive the intensity of the period.

There are additional pressures in cooking larger and more complex meals possibly under greater scrutiny.  Those with issues around food or alcohol can struggle with the focus on family celebrations.

Trying to stretch limited resources may mean beginning the year with an even bigger mountain to climb.   This can cast a long shadow and if presents miss their mark there is every risk this will turn to resentment and recriminations.

This anniversary often calls to mind loved ones who are no longer with us.  Emphasising families being together can highlight the sense of loneliness experienced by people of all ages.  People living alone and those who are anxious, depressed or have phobias may find the pressure to socialise an additional challenge.

Having your Best Christmas 
Perhaps there is another way to make this one the best.  Maybe we can let ourselves, and each other, off the hook by having a Christmas that means something just for us and those we care about.

If we can be realistic about what is possible and clear about what we want then we can negotiate something that works for everyone.  This means managing our expectations and those of others, such as setting limits for children and not travelling around the country to fulfil unwanted commitments.

If we try to stay in the moment and avoid thinking about how things should or could be, we can enjoy what is and not be bothered by assumptions about what may be happening behind other peoples’ front doors.  

Looking outwards rather than inwards we could think about our wider community and what we might do to ease the pressure on others.  This could be supporting the food bank, inviting a neighbour round or helping out at a lunch club.

If we are open and honest about our needs and expectations, then perhaps we will have an easier and more enjoyable time. 

© 2018 Michael Golding

Feeling that you have been betrayed can be one of the hardest experiences to overcome.  It can rock our world because it upends our beliefs and shakes our trust in ourselves and the world around us.

Forms of Betrayal
For most of us the word invokes thoughts of relationships where someone has an affair and is then found out.  However there are many other discoveries that can feel equally traumatic.  Any time we have been encouraged to believe something which turns out not to be true can be experienced as a betrayal.  

Realising that adults do not always have our best interests at heart; discovering that friendships are not what they seem; seeing leaders we admire exposed for not embodying the values they espouse; as well as finding out that people do not feel the same way about us as we do about them. 

Any betrayal can cause trauma that might need to be normalised and a sense of loss that might have to be mourned.

Rules for Living
As children many of us are told of the importance of working hard and not breaking the rules and how we will then be rewarded with a happy and successful life.  Those of us who experienced a less stable childhood may have come to believe that if we behave well and do not wilfully hurt others than we will be kept safe.  

To avoid living in a state of anxiety we need to feel safe and secure.  To achieve this it helps if we can believe that the world around us is based upon fairness and justice.  We might even base this on a bargain we make that rewards what we believe is good behaviour.

What is Lost?
The pain of betrayal is often felt so strongly because it reaches to the heart of our belief system and challenges the foundations upon which we have built our lives. 

When someone betrays us they give us proof that our perception of them, and perhaps the world as a whole, was wrong.  They are not as honest as we thought they were, they are not as strong as we thought they were, they are not as loving as we thought they were.  Who is responsible for these misconceptions?  Were they always this way or have they changed without us noticing?  Did they fool us or did we fool ourselves?

Not only is the world, and the people in it, not as we believed them to be but we must now question our ability to understand and correctly evaluate the actions and motives of those around us.  The mechanisms that we have developed to guide us through life have failed us and it can feel like we have to go back to the beginning and start again.

In addition to the trauma of having our beliefs fundamentally challenged, we have also lost the future that we imagined for ourselves as whatever we decide to do things will never be the same again.  Part of our recovery may well include mourning this loss.

What did I do Wrong?
People often talk about feeling foolish after a betrayal as if they should have known what was going on.  Others may struggle to accept the unfairness of it and may begin to question whether there is something that they have done that might have brought this about.  For many of us it can be easier to blame ourselves than another.

While they have let you down by reneging on any promises they might have made, perhaps we do need to take some responsibility for having imagined they were capable of something that they were not.

Explanations not Excuses
Betrayal is often seen in terms of victims and villains with emotions to match, but this risks us failing to appreciate the complexity of the situation.  Once the initial shock has subsided, exploring the reasons for the betrayal can help to put it into context.  We can begin to appreciate why it happened and also gain a clearer understanding of our role in the drama. 

This could be useful in deciding to what extent, if any, we colluded with any cover-up or ignored signs that things were not as they seemed.  It may also help us take a view on whether it was a one-off or is likely to be repeated.  This is not about excusing the betrayal but trying to understand it.

Rebuilding Belief
While personal betrayal is a very painful experience it takes us from a world of assumptions to a closer reality of who we are sharing our life with.   We now have a more accurate understanding of who they are so that any decision about the future is based upon lived experience rather than assumptions.

In order to move forward we may need to revise our view of the people around us and decide how much we will allow them to affect our lives.  This does not mean that they can continue to be their worst self and we must accept that.   We now know what they are capable of and can take a more informed view of any commitment they may make in the future.

Our trust in ourselves and our ability to assess how trustworthy others might be may also need to be restored.   Some conclusions about ourselves and the world we inhabit have been shown to be false.  Depending on the extent of the betrayal we may need to take time to reconstruct our view of the world.  Alternatively it may be that we can simply accept our fallibility and allow this to become part of our new world view.

Counsellors can support people, both individually and as a couple, in understanding the detail of why things happened and help us to decide how we wish to move forward.

© 2018 Michael Golding

More than three times as many people take their own lives each year than die in traffic accidents.  However, many more are thinking about ending their lives, often without anybody else knowing what is on their mind.

Taboos around Suicide
Suicide can be a divisive subject with views on those who take their own lives ranging from courageous to cowardly.  Healthcare professionals also have mixed responses to those attempting suicide who end up needing hospital treatment.  

The impact of this single event spreads throughout families and friends causing feelings of anger, sadness and guilt.  It can also be passed down through the generations creating vulnerability among descendants to consider ending their own lives. 

Against this volatile and unpredictable background it can be very hard to express our own feelings about wanting to bring our personal suffering to an end.

The Absence of Hope
Lack of hope is often described as the tipping point for suicide.  As any hope for a change begins to fade the pain of daily life can become overwhelming.  While some people stay alive through consideration of the impact their death might have on those they love, others believe they are becoming a burden and that those closest to them would be better off without them.

Thought to Action
For some people it is important to have decided exactly how they might end their lives, even if it is an option they may never take.  It seems that having an escape route in place makes their pain and struggle easier to bear.  

What makes taking our own lives change from being a possibility to becoming a certainty?  Perhaps for some this is the inevitable final destination of a solitary journey thoughtfully planned out, while for others it is a decision rooted in a broader intention yet made in a moment as the opportunity presents itself.  In either case could a kind word from a loved one, or even a stranger, have changed their course long enough for a different outcome to be considered?

Solitary Journey
Stories abound from people close to those who have taken their own lives who say they did not realise that anything was wrong, or at least not more wrong than usual.  Perhaps this illustrates how we become accustomed to the moods of those around us without appreciating the subtle changes that may be occurring.  We may accept another’s behaviour as being normal for them, even as any positive thoughts and feelings they have for the future start to ebb away.

As each experience is unique there may be few external signs that hope is fading.  Your brain may be whirring in a way that feels scarily out of control or you might be prey to the darkness of low moods when thoughts move sluggish and slow.  Both can create a sense of dislocation and a growing sense that we inhabit our own private world of pain and despair.  

Some of us feel we have become invisible to those around us as they do not see what we are really going through and we are unable to tell them.  We may feel that such a tenuous connection to the world can easily be broken and we will be lost.

Turning Away 
This growing sense of isolation may be the turning point that gives others a clue as to what is happening.  When people turn away from their friends or family, seem to lose interest in the world around them or appear to disengage from regular interactions with others they might be starting down a route that could lead to them taking their own life.  

Breaking the Silence
If you are having thoughts about taking your own life it is important to find someone to tell.  Talking to someone can break that sense of isolation and speaking your thoughts aloud can start to challenge the mindset that nobody really cares about you.  

Believing there is nobody you can to talk to might be part of why you feel the way that you do.   If there is not someone in your immediate circle you feel able to approach there is your GP Surgery and many local groups and organisations who can offer confidential support.  Having that first conversation can make a significant difference to how you feel.

If you have noticed a change in someone it may be that their thoughts have turned a corner and they are heading down the final stretch.   Do not be afraid that you will make it worse as there is no evidence to suggest that this will happen.  You do not need to have the answers to their problems, you are simply showing someone that you care enough about them to want to help.  

Ask them how they are and explain why you are asking.  You may have to ask more than once as our first defence is often to brush others off by saying we are fine.  Then try to listen without judgement to their story.  You may then be able to help them find people and organisations they can contact for further support.  Once you have had that first conversation it can be helpful to follow it up to see how they are getting on.

Reaching out may be enough to hold us until the storm subsides or we are able to find a firmer footing from which to see the world in a more positive way.

If you or someone you know, are feeling vulnerable or alone for whatever reason you can call the Samaritans anytime on 116 123.

© 2018 Michael Golding

Most of us will be the keeper of a number of secrets throughout our lives.  Many will be for a limited time only, but some of us have bigger secrets we feel we can never tell.  This could be about something we have done, or left undone, or something that someone else has done to us.

Secrets and Shame
Perhaps the most common reason we are unable or unwilling to share certain secrets is from a sense of personal shame.  We feel ashamed and believe that others will judge us harshly and possibly see us in a poorer light if they knew more about us.   

This can be a powerful motivator and there are many situations in which the threat of being shamed is used by others to keep us from telling.

Who is being Protected?
It may be that we are protecting ourselves from the judgement of others.  While others may see us differently, some may also start to view themselves in a different light for not appreciating what was going on for us and perhaps not offering support.  It may be difficult for us to witness these feelings and so we may wish to avoid causing distress and having to deal with it.

By not sharing perhaps we can also pretend to ourselves that this did not happen, that we are not like that, and that this has not become part of our personal history.

Risky Assumptions
While it is natural to want to present ourselves in a good light, there is a risk in not giving others the full picture.   In the absence of certain information we will frequently fill in the gaps using our own experiences and, all too often, our imagination.  This can lead to people making assumptions about us that may not reflect reality.  Interpreting our attitudes and behaviour through the lens of their own experiences risks misunderstanding how we have come to be this way and the beliefs and values that lie behind our thoughts and actions.

Knowing Another’s Secrets
While it can be beneficial to share your secrets, this may create difficulties for those you have chosen to share them with.  Holding information about another that you cannot act upon for fear of betraying their trust is a responsibility that can become a significant burden.  Family rifts frequently occur because some members know information that is being withheld from others.  

The Secret Self
Holding back can become second nature to us so as not to reveal our secret.  This risks creating a separate and secret self.  This is the person that nobody ever sees and so can never really get to know.   Like a double agent we have relationships with others while always keeping a separate part of our selves securely roped off.

People can never fully connect with us if they are only aware of part of the puzzle.  Even if they do not appreciate the reason why, this sense of being excluded will impact on their relationship with us.  It can set a limit to intimacy that may leave us feeling isolated and alone.

Carrying a Secret Burden
Secrets can fester and poison us or turn to stone and cripple us with their growing weight.  When we have carried a secret for a long time it can become so much a part of us that it would be like losing a limb to set it down.  We may even have come to define ourselves by our secret and to give it up might make us feel like we are becoming a different person.

Sometimes we can be so focussed on keeping the secret we neglect to reassess its importance as time passes.    A secret from long ago may not carry the same impact as customs and cultures change.  We may be able to view the actions of our younger selves through older and more sympathetic eyes.

Unburdening Ourselves
The antidote to keeping secrets is to share them with another.  A skilled counsellor may be a good place to start.  They will not judge us and will provide a safe space for us to voice our secret and the fears and anxieties that have kept it hidden.  It may not be as shameful as we think as others might view past incidents in a more sympathetic light.  Or it may yet start a chain of events that we have kept at bay for a very long time.  Hearing our secret spoken aloud may help us to re-evaluate it so we can then make an unfettered choice about our future.

Secrets separate us from others and make us isolated.  Perhaps there comes a time when the cost of keeping our secret is greater than the risk of sharing. 

© 2018 Michael Golding

Compulsions are things we believe we need to do, even when there might not appear to be any rational justification for them.  They may be complex routines or simple actions that punctuate our day.

As children there is much we cannot control and we rely on others to do that for us.  Sooner or later there is a shift and we must start to take responsibility for our safety and wellbeing, and perhaps also for those that we love.

Rules for Living
We each develop our own very personal rules for living. This provides a framework that supports us in our daily lives.  These rules can be passed down through families or learned from those around us.  Some of these behaviours might be regarded by others as unnecessary, but they can be very important to us.

Some people have never been able to build any sense of trust, while for others something happens that shakes their confidence that all will be well.    Part of our response may be to develop a unique set of rules and behaviours that create in us a feeling of security through our ability to shape the future.

Variety of Compulsions
Many people have compulsions around keeping things in order.  Their desk or workshop has everything in its own special place.  While there may be advantages in maintaining this level or order, for some keeping the space neat over-rides any other activities.

There are compulsions around food which may not be extreme enough to put our health at risk but can affect our approach to eating and limit our choices.  Some people eat by food group or colour, eating all of one thing before starting on the next.  

A desire for order can require tasks to be carried out in a particular sequence or repeated for a set number of times.  For many people this can apply to their nightly checking of doors and windows before going to bed.  If the routine is interrupted then we must start again until it is completed.  Only then can we sleep soundly knowing our home is secure.

Safety through Control
Compulsions can be seen as a trade-off.  By carrying out certain actions we are hoping to ensure a particular version of the future.  Even without any obvious link between them, we feel we are doing something rather than passively accepting our fate.   What we do keeps us safe and gives us a sense that we are in control of our lives. 

Emotional Insurance
Many of us struggle with uncertainty. Not knowing what the future may bring can be a constant cause of anxiety.   We can buy insurance to protect us from the possible effects of practical problems, but where can we find cover that will offset our fears about the future and how it might impact on ourselves and those we love?

Anchors or Millstones?
Change is all around us and the rate of change seems to be increasing.  While some people are able to go with the flow, many of us need some solid reference points to anchor us in the present.  The routines of our daily lives can provide us with a sense of stability in a changing world.

For some people these can start to dominate their lives. They may have a long list of things to be done in a particular way and interruptions mean starting afresh.  Simple actions repeated often enough can also become harmful, such as the skin problems that result from repetitive handwashing.

Habits, Preferences or Compulsions?
Perhaps you do things a particular way because you have always done it like this and it has become easy and familiar.  Maybe it is something you like to do but can easily do without.  Consider what it feels like when you are not able to carry out the tasks in the way that you wish.  Do you become frustrated or angry, or perhaps fearful or uncertain?  Is your emotional response in keeping with the situation or does it seem to be out of proportion?

Relaxing the Grip
If we can recognise the reality of the threats we are facing and appreciate our ability to meet and manage whatever may befall us, we may be able to break free of the negative thoughts and behaviours controlling our lives. 

Particular problems have their own solutions, but a more general anxiety or fear about the future is harder to pin down.  Reaching out to others may help us to understand what lies behind these fears.  We may also begin to appreciate the resources that we are able to draw upon. 

Perhaps then we can start to build the necessary faith and trust in ourselves and those around us.  Gradually we can develop our resilience and begin to believe that if the worst should happen we will not be crushed by it and that we will find a way through.

© 2018 Michael Golding

​Loneliness is on the increase.  While it has long been recognised as a problem for older people, many young people are now also reporting feeling isolated and alone. 
 
As social institutions change it might seem that our culture is moving towards increased isolation so that we are less likely to interact regularly with others.  However it may be that we are not becoming detached from one another, but are connecting in different ways.
 
Loneliness does not Discriminate
Older people who have lost their partners and whose families have perhaps moved away are at a high risk of becoming lonely.  This can be made worse if they have mobility problems and cannot get out of the house easily or often.
 
Young people who have not yet built up their networks, or who have moved to a new area, may also feel a sense of isolation.  This is particularly true for those who have left home to study or pursue work opportunities.
 
Single parents and full-time carers of whatever age can sometimes find they are not able to keep up with friends and start to feel isolated and alone.
 
Sociability and Loneliness
It would be easy to think that introverts would be more vulnerable to loneliness than extroverts.  However introverts often have rich inner lives which can nourish them while extroverts draw their energy from being around other people and can suffer without this.
 
While it would seem obvious to join groups to avoid loneliness, for many of us this can actually reinforce our sense of dislocation.  Sometimes it is easier to tolerate feelings of isolation when you are by yourself than when you are in a crowd.
 
The Antidote to Loneliness
To avoid loneliness it is not enough simply to be around people.  We need to feel connected to others, to have people we care about and who we believe care about us.  This is what nourishes us. 
 
Some people find it hard to connect with others as it requires them to open up.  Depending upon past experiences we may need to balance our desire for connection with the need to protect ourselves from being hurt by others.
 
A Shrinking World
Unless we make a conscious effort it is easy to let our world shrink around us.  Inevitably friends and family move away, children grow up and leave, and we lose contact with former colleagues when we change jobs or retire. By not keeping up with current connections, or replacing them when they are lost to us, our world can shrink so we begin to feel we are alone in the world.
 
Staying Visible
While we might believe there is a good reason to hold back from contact with others, if we limit our connections with the world we may start to become invisible.  For some this can easily become a downward spiral.  When we create a habit of holding back we risk becoming a shadow moving through life without being noticed by others.

Identifying the Risks
When thinking about making major changes in our lives, such as moving jobs or home, it could be important to have an awareness of the risk of isolation.  The possibility of feeling lonely and isolated may not normally come into our planning, yet perhaps it should be a significant factor in our decisions rather than being an afterthought.

Authentic Relationships
Connecting effectively with others requires us to be ourselves.  When we pretend to be different from who we are we create a barrier.  Others will not be responding to us but who they think we are.  This can mean that we are engaging in a way that does not feel real.
 
While it is particularly easy to create a false self on social media, we can also misrepresent ourselves in our face to face relationships with others.  Staying behind a mask might feel necessary to protect ourselves but it creates a barrier not just to intimacy but possibly to any kind of genuine friendship.  It is the quality of the relationships that nourish us rather than their number.
 
Build and Maintain Connections
Just as loneliness can come from a sense of disconnection and isolation from those around us, the remedy is to start to make connections with others.  This can be through casual conversations with strangers, on buses, and in shops as well as joining groups and clubs of people with shared interests.  By building connections and then maintaining them we can continue to occupy a place in the world.
 
Social networking is often blamed for stopping us from maintaining real relationships, however it also provides an opportunity to connect with people around the world. Whatever our interests there will be online groups made up of people who like the same things that we do.
 
Stepping Forward
When our mood is low it is tempting to turn away from other people and outside interests. Avoiding challenges might seem the only option when our confidence is shaky.  However stepping back, even for a short time, can make it that much harder to re-engage with the world.
 
When we are not feeling good about ourselves it may be particularly important to keep in practice by regularly interacting with people.  By stepping forward, however tentatively, we can start to reverse the process through forming and maintaining those relationships that can nourish us.  Showing that we are still open to the world also sends a signal to others, as bees do not buzz around a closed flower.
 
A skilled counsellor can be a useful support in overcoming any barriers to making and keeping contact with others and ensuring we keep our place in the world.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

I attended boarding school for six years during the 1970’s.   While every experience is unique, I know from interactions with other people that there are many common themes that seem to cut across gender, age and family circumstances.
 
While many children taken into care have experienced much worse, this would have been the last resort following a family breakdown.  In contrast, boarding school is regarded as a positive choice.
 
A Perfect Storm of Emotions
There is little that happened at boarding school that might not have happened in other settings.  There is the forced separation from family, the emotional neglect, the bullying and abuse, and the isolation and loneliness.
 
What makes this experience unique is that all of this happens at the same time to very young people who must learn to navigate their way in the face of its relentless repetition with little or no support.  There is no place to hide from this storm, particularly for the youngest and newest.
 
The Split between Home and School
Whether the journey is a bus ride or a flight across continents, the emotional distance between home and school can feel enormous.  Some children find that within a few weeks of arriving attachment ends and nurturing stops.  Whatever interest may be shown to a child at boarding school it is not the same as would ideally be shown by a loving parent.
 
For some youngsters the process of detachment had begun years before and they had already constructed a carapace to protect the softer creature within.  Others quickly learn to spin a cocoon to protect them from the emotional, and sometimes physical, assault that is their daily routine.
 
The dislocation between life at school and at home can lead to the creation of different identities.  These separate narratives do not always overlap.  Stories related out of context begin to have little meaning to the people at home and accumulate faster than they can be told.  Many incidents cannot be shared, either through our own shame at our role within them or from a desire to protect our family from uncomfortable truth. 
 
Some people struggled to create a life at home.  Even those with established friendships where they lived would find the gap widening without ongoing shared experiences.
 
Trust and its Absence
For some children the move to a boarding school was an expected transition, possibly even a rite of passage that had become family tradition.  Others looked for explanations as to why they were sent away, which needed to go beyond the practicalities.  They may harbour a sense of betrayal by people they trusted which may well be reinforced by the subsequent betrayals of those entrusted with looking after them.
 
Many of our housemasters had only recently qualified as teachers, and seemed only a little older than sixth formers.  As far as I know they had no special training in providing pastoral support.  There was no evidence of any particular skills, though there was the occasional act of kindness, and all seemed to struggle with the conflicting roles of befriending while having to maintain discipline.
 
A lack of trust that those around us will protect us can lead to a continuous state of heightened awareness.  We are constantly on the lookout for threats, which can appear at any time without warning.  This vigilance soon becomes second nature and we develop all the skills necessary to survive in this hostile environment.
 
The Use and Abuse of Power
Many aspects of our daily lives became an opportunity to reinforce the power relationships that ran through every activity like seaside names in a stick of rock.
 
I believe everyone at my boarding school was bullied in that we were all made to do things we did not wish to do.  Through pressure and intimidation, we lost our sense of personal control and were often made to behave against our own interests.   Some people were singled out for particular attention, those considered different from the rest and particularly those who cried or wet their bed.
 
Seniors were instrumental in helping the staff keep control of the rest.  This led to all kinds of collusion which unofficially created additional tiers of power, each with their own separate culture.
 
For those able to align themselves with the regime there was a sense of belonging.  For those who could not a feeling of always being wrong began to pervade every aspect of our lives.
 
Relentless Routines
In keeping with most residential institutions, we were never alone.  This may be enjoyable for the extroverts but can become a major challenge for introverts.   The only possibility for down-time was at night, though when this is shared with a dozen others there are additional pressures.
 
All practicalities such as food and clothing, personal hygiene, homework and recreation were subject to their own set of rigid rules which nearly always involved queuing up, names being recorded and a lot of waiting around.
 
In so many situations getting through the task seemed to be a greater priority than how it might be experienced by any single individual.  It is easy then to see your own wants and desires as being peripheral to the relentless grinding of the machine.
 
Taking Care of Ourselves
Confusion over changing roles and the many layers of hard and soft institutionalised values can make it hard to find a solid place to stand.  One response is to draw upon your own resources and create a fortress that does not rely on any person, location or situation, but which you carry with you from dormitory to classroom and back again.
 
Many of us constructed a mask that was designed to show very little, as appearing not to care reduced our vulnerability.  It was easier to become a caricature than to risk revealing our true character. Some were able to choose their own identity while the more vulnerable were given a badge they could not shake off.
 
Enduring can become more important than enjoyment, so you keep your head down and get through another day until the end of each term.   For those whose life at home was equally problematic the countdown would begin again.
 
There may have been times when we colluded with the bullies, grateful not to be the target, or failed to stand beside the victim for fear of also being tagged.  Such acts or omissions become a ready source of personal shame.
 
The imperative of fitting in means forcing square pegs through round holes. This can create temporary damage or permanent disfigurement.  Others pretended while hiding their edges, which came at a very different cost.
 
Impact on Development
We grew up in a bubble.  While this is the case for many children, ours was fixed in a cultural setting that seemed to have little relationship to home.  The role models that were perpetuated were not seen by everyone as relevant and to some seemed very separate from our lives outside.
 
Our weaknesses are often our strengths reversed and we became strong in some suits and weak in others.  This balance may have been redressed in later life or our experiences may have reinforced our beliefs so that the gap continued to widen.  
 
We developed ways of coping that got us through these difficult times but which may have hampered our development and ability to move beyond this situation.  The identities we felt we needed to adopt may not be so easily shaken off when faced with a different set of priorities.
 
We were youngsters trying to make grown-up decisions about the world and how to behave in it.  We only had each other’s experiences to draw upon and these were not always to be trusted.
 
The Survivor’s Experience
There were plenty of people who thrived in this environment; at least I presume this was the case.   Even during the experience there was a strong sense that it was making us resourceful and self-reliant.  Yet how much armour did we put on and how well is it serving us now?
 
We may still have a shaky sense of our own personal value through never really understanding why we were sent away.   A self-belief that is not based upon self-knowledge but simply an inability to trust anyone else is not a solid place from which to build a life.
 
This forced self-reliance can result in us being very well defended and cultivating an emotional detachment that can sometimes border on numbness.   This can make it difficult for us to establish and maintain relationships, particularly those with an expectation of trust and intimacy.
 
Learning to fit in, and not get noticed by the bullies, helps us to judge a situation and get the best from it.  However it may compromise our ability to understand our own needs and wants and to express them without shame. 
 
The unnamed fear that led us to develop an acute awareness of what is happening all around can continue long after the initial threat has passed.  This may leave us feeling uncertain and apprehensive.
 
Control issues around food, personal hygiene and daily routines can all result from being forced to comply with a system that seemed arbitrary and unforgiving.
 
Many of us are left with an overwhelming sense of shame for what we did, or did not do, or for what was done to us.  We are left with the belief that life is to be endured rather than enjoyed and sometimes we have to find a lot of courage to be happy.
 
A skilled counsellor will be familiar with many of these responses.   Perhaps though this is one of those times when only those who have weathered the same perfect storm can help others to find their way to the safety of calmer waters.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding