Living with Imposter Syndrome

​Many of us have felt like an imposter at some point in our lives.  Feeling this way a lot of the time can seem like living in a play written by someone else who will decide when our part comes to an end.

Valuing Ourselves and our Accomplishments
There is frequently a mismatch between how we see ourselves and what others think of us.  There are people whose upbringing means they feel secure, even entitled, who exaggerate their abilities.  Others may not have a secure base to build upon and are grateful for what they are given and always ready to have it taken away.

Most of us would wish to inhabit the middle ground where we have learned about our strengths and our weaknesses.  We have developed a reasonably accurate sense of our value and what we can accomplish.

Never Good Enough
Reflection can be helpful as it causes us to examine our true value and the real meaning of what we have achieved.  Chronic self-doubt can become crippling as we question everything and never feel that we are good enough.  Whatever we do or become is always tainted by a sense that it could be better.  This leaves us feeling empty and all our achievements seem hollow.

Feeling Undeserving
Our early years are instrumental in teaching us what we deserve.  Without realising we can absorb negative messages that can colour our expectations forever.  We may be told we are stupid or ugly, that we will never amount to anything or that we should set our sights very low so as not to be disappointed.

We underestimate our own value or overestimate what is needed to achieve and these feelings hold us back from ever trying for a greater prize.  We find ourselves settling for second best and being grateful for crumbs from another’s table.

Fear of Exposure
When we find ourselves somewhere that is more than we thought was possible, we may believe it is only temporary.  We imagine we are living someone else’s life and that one day everything will be taken away from us and given to another.

Feeling we are about to be discovered for who we really are, we are constantly preparing for the humiliation and shame we believe will inevitably follow.  This can be exhausting and a distraction which might even bring about the failure that we fear.

Accepting Compliments
When someone says something good we do not all hear the same thing.  Many of us have become deaf to compliments and only focus on negative comments.  Success becomes the absence of criticism.  This keeps us from taking any chances and aiming higher than our reach.

Stretching Ourselves
Punching above our weight is a common criticism.  Though sometimes used as banter, it also suggests a hierarchy and we are not as high up as we think.  Reaching beyond our current abilities can be about stretching ourselves so that we can do more.  We begin not knowing then through learning, experience and support we can move to another level.

Reality Check
We are told to push ourselves forward, big ourselves up and that confidence is everything. However we have developed many ways to keep each other down. There is a quieter but more insistent voice that says this is not for us and we are fools to think otherwise.

Comparing ourselves with others will always leave us wanting. The myriad of media presents us with limitless opportunities for comparison.  Yet these are mythical people and even those around us are only showing us what they want us to see.  If we have the humility to recognise that most good fortune is a mix of effort, ability and luck we can perhaps accept that we did the best we could with what we had at the time.  

Finding our Authentic Voice
​It can be a struggle to decide whose opinion counts. We hear so many voices throughout our lives telling us who we are and how we should be. Much of the time it can be hard to dial them down so we are able to hear ourselves speak our own beliefs, fears and ambitions.  When the words become truly our own we are no longer vulnerable to the conflicting stories told by those around us.

Perhaps if we can accept our faults and recognise our unique combination of experience and abilities, we can focus on simply becoming a better version of ourselves.  If we are all imposters then who is real?

© 2019 Michael Golding