Living with Secrets

Most of us will be the keeper of a number of secrets throughout our lives.  Many will be for a limited time only, but some of us have bigger secrets we feel we can never tell.  This could be about something we have done, or left undone, or something that someone else has done to us.

Secrets and Shame
Perhaps the most common reason we are unable or unwilling to share certain secrets is from a sense of personal shame.  We feel ashamed and believe that others will judge us harshly and possibly see us in a poorer light if they knew more about us.   

This can be a powerful motivator and there are many situations in which the threat of being shamed is used by others to keep us from telling.

Who is being Protected?
It may be that we are protecting ourselves from the judgement of others.  While others may see us differently, some may also start to view themselves in a different light for not appreciating what was going on for us and perhaps not offering support.  It may be difficult for us to witness these feelings and so we may wish to avoid causing distress and having to deal with it.

By not sharing perhaps we can also pretend to ourselves that this did not happen, that we are not like that, and that this has not become part of our personal history.

Risky Assumptions
While it is natural to want to present ourselves in a good light, there is a risk in not giving others the full picture.   In the absence of certain information we will frequently fill in the gaps using our own experiences and, all too often, our imagination.  This can lead to people making assumptions about us that may not reflect reality.  Interpreting our attitudes and behaviour through the lens of their own experiences risks misunderstanding how we have come to be this way and the beliefs and values that lie behind our thoughts and actions.

Knowing Another’s Secrets
While it can be beneficial to share your secrets, this may create difficulties for those you have chosen to share them with.  Holding information about another that you cannot act upon for fear of betraying their trust is a responsibility that can become a significant burden.  Family rifts frequently occur because some members know information that is being withheld from others.  

The Secret Self
Holding back can become second nature to us so as not to reveal our secret.  This risks creating a separate and secret self.  This is the person that nobody ever sees and so can never really get to know.   Like a double agent we have relationships with others while always keeping a separate part of our selves securely roped off.

People can never fully connect with us if they are only aware of part of the puzzle.  Even if they do not appreciate the reason why, this sense of being excluded will impact on their relationship with us.  It can set a limit to intimacy that may leave us feeling isolated and alone.

Carrying a Secret Burden
Secrets can fester and poison us or turn to stone and cripple us with their growing weight.  When we have carried a secret for a long time it can become so much a part of us that it would be like losing a limb to set it down.  We may even have come to define ourselves by our secret and to give it up might make us feel like we are becoming a different person.

Sometimes we can be so focussed on keeping the secret we neglect to reassess its importance as time passes.    A secret from long ago may not carry the same impact as customs and cultures change.  We may be able to view the actions of our younger selves through older and more sympathetic eyes.

Unburdening Ourselves
The antidote to keeping secrets is to share them with another.  A skilled counsellor may be a good place to start.  They will not judge us and will provide a safe space for us to voice our secret and the fears and anxieties that have kept it hidden.  It may not be as shameful as we think as others might view past incidents in a more sympathetic light.  Or it may yet start a chain of events that we have kept at bay for a very long time.  Hearing our secret spoken aloud may help us to re-evaluate it so we can then make an unfettered choice about our future.

Secrets separate us from others and make us isolated.  Perhaps there comes a time when the cost of keeping our secret is greater than the risk of sharing. 

© 2018 Michael Golding