Living with Regret

A couple of famous songs tell us to regret nothing or perhaps accept a few as long as we do it our way.  In reality regrets can easily accumulate, dragging us down so we spend more time looking backwards than forwards.
 
No Choices no Regrets
Regret can be the price we pay for the choices we make.  If we do not make many choices then perhaps we can avoid having too many regrets.  This risks having an unfulfilled life where we have avoided challenges and uncertainty.  Saying no can create a particular form of regret for what might have been.
 
Different Stages of our Lives
It might seem that when we are young we have so much ahead of us that we do not need to waste time reflecting upon the past.   In old age our biggest regret might be that we spent so little time reviewing our actions that we wasted so much more repeating them.  Perhaps we need to strike a balance between taking enough time to learn from consequences without dwelling too long upon them.
 
Repeating Patterns
It can be a hard lesson to learn that responding to situations in the same way will mostly bring about the same outcome.  If we do not appreciate this then we can easily fall into a repetitive cycle of regret.  We feel negatively about what has, or has not, happened but do not know enough about it to make the necessary shift to prevent it from happening again.
 
Understanding our Regret
Strong feelings of regret can be the starting point for permanent positive change.  Taking this as a headline we can unpick the various strands of the story to try and understand what did not work for us and why.  As well as feeling bad about the consequences of our actions, we may also be thinking of what might have happened if we had chosen differently.  This is the fantasy future that we imagine might have come about if we had acted differently.
 
Chances to Change
Each time a similar situation comes around we are being offered a chance to change.  This means appreciating that we have a choice and are not on a fixed track where we must go where we are sent.  Recognising that we can do things differently is the first step and perhaps regret is the spur daring us to change.
 
Importance of Context
Similar actions at different times may not always have the same outcome.  It may not be what we did but when we did it.  Nor do we act in isolation as there are often other players whose decisions contribute to shaping things.  Placing our actions within a context we can separate the foreground from the background and identify the relative impact of each on how this particular story unfolded.
 
Atonement
When others have been hurt or upset by choices we have made it may be that this needs to be addressed before we can put the experience behind us.   An acknowledgment such as an apology may be enough for some people as it shows we recognise the impact of our actions. Others might need us to make good by repairing the damage through more positive actions.  Atonement can be an important step in fully integrating all we have learned from our experience.
 
Mourn and Move On
The gift of regret is the knowledge of what to do differently.  By focussing on our actions, or inaction, and not on ourselves we can regret what we did rather than who we are or have become.  Reflecting on what might have been may also be a necessary part of the process.  We may need to mourn the loss of possible futures we might have imagined for ourselves.  If we are unable to try again, we must let them go or they will drag us down.  By fully appreciating what happened we can learn to embrace the experience, accept that it is a part of what has made us who we are and move on.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding