Tue, 14 May 2024 01:27:07 +0100WeeblyThu, 14 May 2020 23:00:00 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-isolationWhile there are people who have lived a solitary life for many years, recent developments have meant that many of us are learning what it is like to live in isolation.
 
Experiencing Isolation
The experience of isolation can be characterised by too much spare time and not enough human contact.  For some it can be a relief to spend time alone but if it continues for too long it starts to have an impact on how we see the world and our place within it. This can significantly affect our behaviour and the way we relate to other people. 
 
While this can be thought to affect only those who live alone, couples and families forced into isolation can also experience similar changes. This can be seen in how they relate to each other as well as the world outside.
 
Potential Impact
The growing sense of detachment from the world that can result from isolation can creep up on us.  We may think we have successfully adapted to our new situation even as we are starting to develop strange behaviours and change our ideas about people. Without any external challenge our attitudes and behaviours can become increasingly extreme and out of kilter with others.  This can make it harder for us to connect with others, which further compounds the situation.
 
It can be important to periodically take some time to reflect upon our lives. However if we spend too much time dwelling upon our situation, without the balance of other opinions, we risk becoming depressed about the past and anxious about the future. This can be a potentially dangerous and debilitating mix.
 
Social Isolation
Without regular and varied interaction with others our thoughts and feelings can start to move along an ever narrower track.  Our sense of what is important can start to shift so that we find ourselves focussing only on certain details rather than the picture as a whole. We may find our lives rebalancing around particular interests or pleasures so that more and more of our time is spent on fewer and fewer activities. This lack of variety can mean our tribe of like-minded people starts to shrink which risks intensifying our feelings of being alone.
 
Emotional Isolation
One of the risks of isolation is a diminishing sense of our own value. It is tempting to link contact with caring and to imagine that our contact with others is evidence of how much they care.  When contacts become infrequent, or stop, it is a short step to wondering that if nobody cares about us why should we care about ourselves.  This opens the door to personal neglect and a range of other unhealthy behaviours.
 
Spiritual Isolation
Whatever our viewpoint there is a spiritual element to all of our lives. Our beliefs and values are confirmed by our experiences and also challenged by them.  This creates a dynamic relationship around how we interact with the world as each fresh contact impacts upon our thoughts and feelings.   Without regular challenge this reflective energy is lost and we can become stuck, like an unoiled machine that rusts until it can no longer move.
 
Keeping in Step
Whether we are predominantly introvert or extrovert we all need to feed from the same diet of social interaction.  While most will have felt alienated on occasion, these experiences are usually offset by those times when we feel we are walking in step with others. When this happens, however large or small the group, there is a sense of togetherness that is nourishing and sustaining.  Without this we can start to wither and feel like we are moving through autumn into a permanent winter.
 
Managing Isolation
Perhaps the solution lies in part in learning to manage the excess time and the reduced human contact.  Establishing and maintaining a balance of routine and variety creates a structure. While an explicit need to get up in the morning may no longer exist, there is a subtler reason for keeping to a timetable. Without this discipline each day risks becoming the same and we begin losing our sense of dynamic connection with the world.
 
We have all become used to doing things we do not choose and this too can be important in maintaining our sense of balance.  Without this grist the millstones grind against each other and will eventually crack.
 
Many of our social interactions are random and not always with people we know or care about.  Yet all are important in keeping us looking outside of ourselves and our own situation into the world beyond.  It may be that more effort is required to set these up and make them happen.  While it may feel like an effort to stay connected, the cost of not doing so is high and the longer we leave it the harder it becomes to reach across the divide.
 
We need to be constantly proactive about reaching out and connecting. If you are isolated reach out to others, if they are isolated reach out to them.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding

]]>Fri, 28 Feb 2020 00:00:00 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-a-chronic-conditionDeveloping a chronic condition can take us into a world of clinical interventions, intrusive tests, and lifelong medical treatment.   Once diagnosed, we must learn to live with an outcome that may change our lives forever.
 
Getting a Diagnosis
The journey to a diagnosis can be lengthy and full of false twists and turns as the cause of our symptoms is identified. We can feel like we are losing control and being forced to accept the wisdom of others.  There may be blind alleys along the way and we may move between hope and despair as possibly life limiting conditions are considered and ruled out.
 
Identifying the cause of our problem can bring temporary relief until we are told the condition cannot be cured and the best outcome possible is to manage the symptoms.
 
Trauma and Bereavement
Being diagnosed with a chronic condition can be traumatic. It can feel like a random experience that turns our life upside down and makes us fearful for the future. We may feel guilty for what has happened to us and even ashamed of how we have changed.  Acknowledging this trauma is an important step in consigning this part of our experience to the past.
 
Much may have been lost. Like any bereavement we may need to take time to mourn the loss of the life we thought we would have before we can accept the life that will be.
 
Embracing the Future
It is natural to go through a period of denial then anger. Trying to carry on as if nothing has happened will keep us in this place.  Movement comes when we stop resisting and let go of our expectations. Then we can start to accept our situation.
 
By learning about our condition we can understand the best way to manage it.  We can also begin to appreciate how we can work around any limitations to make a new life that can be as fulfilling as before.
 
It does not Define Us
While it may cast a long shadow, our condition remains one aspect of who we are.  Believing we are much more than this will enable us to replace all that we may have lost with something new.
 
It is important to let go of any blame for what has happened. Whether it is something that we or others have brought about, focussing on who might be responsible keeps us in the past and prevents us from moving forwards.
 
Asking for Help
Many of us resist acknowledging we need help and struggle to ask for it.  Rather than carry on alone, we can actively seek out all of the support that we need. This might include self-help groups and other online forums.  It is better to explain to those around us exactly what we need from them rather than expecting them to know. Others may try to fix things when what we really want is for them to witness what we are going through. Helping them to understand this avoids conflict and ensures we get what we need when we need it.
 
Celebrate the Good Days
By embracing our new life we are also accepting that we have entered a different landscape.   Some of what we valued before may now be lost but while the context has changed we have not.  We may have had to reset the bar yet there will still be highs and lows. Just as before, the good days are something to celebrate.
 
Finding a New Normal
When our lives change dramatically we can find ourselves off balance and have to work hard to regain our equilibrium. We need to establish a new normal which reflects the way things are rather than how they were or how we might wish them to be.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding
 ]]>Sun, 26 Jan 2020 16:37:16 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-procrastination​We all know what it means to procrastinate but many of us do not really know why we avoid starting something we want to do or know we need to do.
 
Obstacles and Resistance
This is more than simply putting off something unpleasant.  We are avoiding doing a task we know needs to be done.  What is it that keeps us from getting started?
 
Our resistance is not about the task but the feelings that lie underneath.  Refusing the call to action avoids having to deal with the powerful emotions we fear might emerge such as anxiety, shame, and commitment to a decision.
 
Doing something else is preferable to having to face these emotions. Dealing instead with the feelings that come from avoidance may work but leads to negative consequences in the long term.
 
Fear and Perfectionism
Taking time to reflect upon what needs to be done can fuel our anxiety.  The critical voice in our head undermines our belief that we have the resources to overcome whatever difficulties may arise. We may fear we will fail to complete the task to the required standard or at all.
 
We imagine the shame of abandoning the task to someone else or the humiliation of finishing something that will be criticised. We can protect ourselves from any hard to manage emotions resulting from a poor outcome by finding ways to avoid making a start.
 
Choosing limits Choice
We know we cannot have it all, but before we choose we can imagine this is the case. Choosing immediately cancels out all other options, so avoiding making a choice keeps us from having to live with the consequences. These include having to act upon our choices and possibly needing to justify or defend them to others.
 
Motivation and Prioritisation
Avoidance is a way of prioritizing our short term needs over long term ones.  We are avoiding having to manage powerful emotions like fear, anxiety and shame.
 
This highlights the importance of self-worth. If we do not start we avoid the risk that we might fail.  However struggling to start or finish tasks can increase our negative sense of self making it even harder to start or finish projects.
 
The issue is not the task itself but our inability to manage negative emotions around carrying out the task. Improving our sense of our own competence makes the task less daunting, reduces the risk of failure and increases our resilience to work through any challenges.
 
Putting on the Brakes
Holding off is not always a sign of avoidance.  We may suspend our decision to take the time we need to make the right choice rather than being forced into something we intuitively know is wrong.  Maybe we are not ready or feel we have not yet thought things through.
 
The power of pause allows us to stay where we are and take time to consider what is really going on. We can reflect upon the impact of any fear of negative emotions regarding possible outcomes and identify how much this may be affecting our decision not to act.  
 
By cultivating self-acceptance and self-compassion we can counter the negative energy that comes from our inability to act.  We can focus on understanding what is holding us back rather than just judging our inaction.
 
Reframing the Task
It sometimes feels like we have turned in on ourselves and need to be released from the prison of our own inaction. Where do we get the courage to overcome our fear and avoid feeling shame?
 
Understanding the origins of these intense feelings allows us to separate them from any particular activity. We may discover their roots lie elsewhere and are being brought to the surface by our anxiety over what needs to be done but have no direct connection to it.  If we can see the task in a different light it might evoke much more manageable emotions.
 
Sharing our fears can reduce their impact.  If someone linked arms with us we might be able to move forward.  Beginning without the need to complete can also reduce the pressure we put upon ourselves. Perhaps we are not always supposed to know how to do it; we are just supposed to begin.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding]]>Fri, 27 Dec 2019 15:05:42 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-addictionThe causes of addiction have been argued about for many years with our brains, our genes and our personality type being blamed for our addictive behaviours. These all point to a cause outside of ourselves which seems to let us off the hook. Yet there is growing evidence that only the individual can ultimately resolve their own addiction.
 
Origins of Addiction
Dr Gabor Maté is a Canadian physician who has connected his experiences as a family doctor working with childhood development and trauma and his knowledge of substance misuse and addiction.  He believes the systems within our brains that regulate incentive and motivation and attachment and reward can be significantly affected by adverse early experiences.  As a result we may struggle to tolerate our needs and wants not being met and feel an overwhelming desire to satisfy them as quickly and in whatever way we can.
 
This can also lead to poor impulse control and a condition described as ‘brain lock’ in which we continually act without thinking.  This can mean we repeat patterns endlessly, even when the consequences are detrimental.
 
A Path out of Addiction
Neurological development is not fixed as our brains are continuously evolving in response to what we experience.  Reframing our understanding of what is happening can help us change our responses and break our patterns of behaviour.  Over time this can lead to the creation of fresh neural circuits.
 
We can overcome ‘brain lock’ by slowing down the process through taking time to reflect upon the origin of our desires and the outcome of our actions. Regularly and repeatedly working through these five steps can create a new set of beliefs and actions that can significantly change our behaviour.
 
Re-Label the Desire
Name the feeling for what it is by recognising it is not a real need, as it might appear to be, but a temporary desire. It is a desire for a form of comfort or satisfaction, not a need that must be met through a single course of action.
 
Re-Attribute the Source
Apportion blame by asking why my brain is sending me this false message. Compassionate curiosity can help us to avoid blaming ourselves and instead allow us to question where this feeling might have come from.  Asking why we feel this desire at this time can create a useful distance between us and the desire reducing its power to affect us.
 
Re-Focus the Energy
While the urge may seem very powerful it will not last forever. As it only exists in our mind it will pass.  If we are able to distract ourselves long enough, or subvert the feeling by refocusing the energy into doing something else, we can avoid taking a familiar and possibly destructive path.
 
Re-Value the Impact
Initially our focus will be on fulfilling the desire. Shifting this to concentrate on the inevitable outcome of repeating particular behaviours can help us to put less value on an urge when it leads to disaster.
 
Re-Create the Intention
We are being directed by impulses that developed within us many years ago without us choosing them.  By recognising our true desires in the present we can separate them from feelings that are rooted in our past.  Now we can choose which to follow and add the power of intention to our decisions.
 
Breaking the Cycle
Changing repeated patterns of addictive behaviour is a major challenge and takes time and commitment to achieve.  However continuing to live with detrimental and possibly destructive behaviour can be harder.  By better understanding the origins of our feelings and desires we can begin to choose more useful ways of dealing with them.  In time this can reduce the negative impact on us and the lives of those around us.  It can open us up to a future that is driven by our current desires and intentions, not by feelings rooted in what may have been a difficult or troubled past.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>Mon, 25 Nov 2019 14:53:40 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-jealousyThough often regarded as a negative emotion, jealousy has a role in helping us identify what is important in our lives.  The challenge is to keep it from getting out of our control.
 
Culturally Normal
Every culture has things which are regarded as important and that therefore become desirable.  We are encouraged to want them and having them is frequently seen as a reward for effort or recognition of status.  Feeling jealous is the sign that we too wish to have it and is experienced by most of us at various times throughout our lives. 
 
Wanting, Having and Keeping
It begins with us becoming aware of something, or someone, that brings up in us feelings of desire. These feelings become a preoccupation that will not leave us until we take steps to acquire what we desire.  Having got what we wanted the feeling comes to an end and we enjoy the fulfilment of our desire.  For some this is replaced by a desire to keep what we have and a fear that we may lose it.
 
Useful Jealousy
Unlike envy, which is rarely helpful, jealousy can be a useful signpost to what is important to us.  Our friends and acquaintances may all have cars and houses but only certain ones will cause us to feel jealous of their owner; someone tells us about their life and while most of it may have little impact a single aspect causes jealousy to stir within us; someone in a group catches our attention and we feel jealous of whoever they are with.  While the object of our desire may be different for each of us, the feeling of jealous longing is universal. By recognising the unusual intensity of this feeling, jealousy can help us to identify our true desires.
 
Negative Impact of Jealousy
Jealousy points us toward what we want and helps motivate us to do what we need to get it.  However for some us there is no satisfaction in achieving.  Once we have acquired something we simply shift our sights to something else.  That we are never satisfied suggests we were mistaken about the value of what we thought we wanted and the impact that we imagined it would have on us. This form of serial jealousy is more akin to envy as its focus is on the person who has what we desire rather than the thing itself.
 
For some the intense feelings do not end when we have achieved our goal as we then become fearful of losing it.  We guard it carefully remaining watchful for any potential threat. Possessive jealousy means we focus on the act of possession rather than what we possess. This form of jealousy can be linked with shame so that our fear of loss is that it will lead to humiliation.
 
In either case we are not able to fully appreciate the value of what we have either because we are fearful that it will be taken from us or we are focussing on the next object of desire.
 
Appreciating Value
It is possible to separate the value of anything from the feeling that we imagine having it will create in us.  This is the difference between actual value and symbolic value and the true meaning to us is likely to be a mix of the two.  Keeping both in mind will inform our decision to pursue what we desire and avoid disappointment.
 
Our fear of not being able to keep something may have its roots in a belief that we do not really deserve it, or that someone else is more deserving than us. This would seem to set the value of the object as being greater than the value we put upon ourselves.
 
A Controllable Emotion
Jealousy can set in motion a complex mix of feelings that can spur us to action but can also leave us dissatisfied or anxious not to lose what we have.  By reflecting upon the true value of things and recognising the likely feelings that possession will bring we can ensure we are not disappointed.  Developing a strong belief in our own value will counter any fear that we are undeserving and will lose what we have worked so hard to attain.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>Sun, 27 Oct 2019 12:00:56 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-envyThe desire to possess what others have can be a powerful emotion.  Unsatisfied this causes anger and resentment creating a bitterness that can dominate our lives.
 
Objects of Desire
The advertising industry has mastered the art of making us want things. Envy is about more than this, being concerned as much with the person who has it as the thing itself. Desiring something seen in a shop window or online is not envy until we see someone else with the object of our desire. 
 
Envy is about People
Seeing somebody with something we want starts us thinking if they can have this why can’t we?  Envious desire begins with the person and only then moves to the things they have.  We might want to be like them, or how we imagine them to be, or wish others to feel this way about us.
 
Cultural Objects
Every culture has certain objects that show status and power.  Roles and titles reflect our achievements but there are other things that evidence this.  These include objects like cars, houses, clothes and jewellery.  Aspects of our lifestyle can illustrate our status such as where we go on holiday and how often.  Status can also be reflected in the youth and attractiveness of those around us, our spouse or partner and the people we spend time with.   All could be regarded as external representations of who we think are, wish to be or believe we should be.
 
Shifting Value
Rather than seeing things as having their own value, envy leads us to focus upon the value we believe they bring to us. If something is beautiful what does it say about me that I possess it?  Many of the world’s richest people continue to acquire more as if their desire fuelled by envy can never be satisfied.
 
Finding Fault
If we are unable to fulfil our desire for what others have, we may start to resent them for having it.  If our feelings are strong we might wish to spoil it or take pleasure should it be spoiled in some way.
 
Envy can mean we put someone down because it makes us feel better.  By finding fault we reduce the other’s status so that the gap does not feel so great.  The most critical people may also be the most envious.
 
Disconnection from Self
Envy can be a painful symptom of our disconnection from who we really are. Defining our status and power through external objects may mean we doubt our own inner value.  If we acquire enough external symbols perhaps nobody will see what lies beneath. 
 
This may be the result of some traumatic event or perhaps we never learned to value ourselves as children.  Envy may reflect an early wound that left us feeling we are not enough and need to become more through associating with what we believe brings value.  This fragile sense of self will remain and perhaps the more we pursue our envious desires the more disconnected we become.
 
Relationships not Things
Envy is about our relationship with others not the things they possess, and this will be dependent upon how we feel about ourselves.  Feeling less than those around us will not be changed by acquiring the things that they have or spoiling them or putting them down. 
 
Overcoming Envy
If our feelings of envy indicate a disconnection from our sense of self, then we need to rebuild that connection and establish a more solid belief in our true value. This begins by acknowledging our envious feelings and recognising how they may be influencing or affecting us.  They can be overcome by appreciating all that we have, identifying what more we might need and developing a sense of sufficiency; learning to accept that we are enough and that having more will not make us more; keeping sight of the true value of people and things rather than focussing on the value we imagine they will bestow upon us.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding
 

]]>Sun, 29 Sep 2019 15:04:20 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-uncertaintyFrom an early age we are told about the world we live in by the people that surround us. While this helps us develop our understanding of our immediate environment, we do not always learn how to manage not knowing about the people and things that exist beyond.
 
Inevitable Uncertainty
However we choose to define it, the world is becoming ever more complex.  There was a time when things changed relatively slowly and we stayed within a small and well defined community.  In a global social and political economy our lives are subject to a myriad of influences that are impossible for most of us to fully comprehend much of the time.
 
Sticking with What We Know
We develop trust about the things that we know.  We recognise their qualities, good and bad, and appreciate what is likely to happen in any particular situation.  Our world becomes predictable and we take comfort in this.  Playing safe means we can avoid any risks or challenges but we must always stay with what is familiar to us.
 
Creating Certainty
Doubt can creep in through gaps in our knowledge and experience. We may try to counter uncertainty by working through all of the possible scenarios so everything has been considered and there can be no surprises.  This is hard and exhausting work.
 
Rituals, beliefs and repeated patterns of behaviour can all be used to create a sense of familiarity.  These can become increasingly important when we are faced with an unfamiliar world.  This can lead to obsessions where meaning is lost and only the rituals remain.
 
The Absence of Trust
A healthy child grows up believing their world is safe and they can trust the intentions of those around them.  Where this is shaken, or was never developed, we can see the world as unpredictable and unknowable.  Without basic trust in the good intentions of people we see the world as a dangerous place.  Without trust in a natural order of things we experience the world as chaotic and full of random and frightening events.
 
The Consequences of Uncertainty
It is important we find a way to manage the inevitable uncertainty of the world we inhabit. If we cannot, we may experience very negative consequences. Fear of the unknown can mean we feel anxious much of the time.  Managing anxiety over time can become very stressful. It may require a high level of vigilance to ensure we are not caught out. Consistently focussing on disappointment and the absence of hope can lead to low mood and depression.
 
Tolerating the Unknown
Sometimes we have no choice but to traverse uncharted waters.  Encountering new people and situations outside of what we know can be a challenge. We must let go of our need for certainty long enough to allow us time to appreciate and understand what is new. Rather than trying to align new experiences with our existing knowledge we can expand our thinking to encompass this new information.  For this to happen we have to be able to exist for a time in a place of uncertainty. To do this we need to have a solid core based on real beliefs and values.
 
Embracing Uncertainty
Accepting that we may never know everything, means we can be open to new knowledge and experience.  Rather than expecting our world and its people to always be predictable, perhaps we can learn to trust our own ability to embrace what is new and to make whatever adjustments are necessary without it affecting our core beliefs and sense of self.
 
Know what you know, be curious about what you don’t know, and trust in your ability to manage whatever comes your way. This will lead to improved resilience, increased confidence and the absence of fear.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>Sun, 25 Aug 2019 11:30:33 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-disappointmentAs children most of us have been told by adults at some time that we have disappointed them.  While this would seem to place the blame firmly on our shoulders, perhaps this feeling has more to do with their expectations which we may have had no part in creating.
 
Unreasonable Expectations
Disappointment comes when reality does not match our expectations.  It occupies the space between what we expected and what actually happened.  This could be the result of a failure to achieve through insufficient effort or application.  However it might be because the bar was set too high for us ever to be able to reach.  Perhaps we exaggerated our abilities, desire or commitment or underestimated what was needed.
 
The Failure of Hope
When disappointed we are focussing on what we believe might have been. That it did not happen may in fact indicate there was never any possibility that this future might materialise or the odds were much greater than we imagined.  The failure of our hopes for the future can become a belief that our dreams will never be achieved and disappointment itself becomes our only expectation.
 
Responding to Disappointment
It may seem easier to express our anger at not getting what we want, or feel we deserve, than it is to acknowledge the sadness we feel at the loss of the future we imagined for ourselves.   When someone we trust does something we did not expect we can feel crushed by disappointment and blame them for letting us down.  While we remain angry we can avoid having to re-evaluate our expectations for the future.
 
The Curse of Disappointment
If allowed to take hold disappointment can infect everything it touches.  A life that could have been contented cannot be enjoyed if always viewed through the lens of what might have been.  Aspects of our lives that could have brought satisfaction or joy will appear unsatisfactory when compared with unrealistic dreams or comparisons with others whose lives are very different from our own.  This can lead to a permanently depressed mood and darker thoughts as we stop imagining that we can ever be satisfied or even happy.
 
The Door to Resentment
If left unchecked the initial feeling can open the way to a range of allied emotions that can create a mushroom cloud of negativity. This can take us down a path of resentment of those who did not give us what we felt we needed or deserved. This may extend throughout the wider community leaving us feeling bitter, isolated and unloved.
 
Learning from Experience
Disappointment highlights the gap between fantasy and reality. Rather than allowing this feeling to take hold, it can prompt us to explore both ends of the divide to understand how they might be brought closer together. Accepting what is can help us to have more reasonable expectations of what might be.  By constantly readjusting our expectations against what is possible in any situation, we can narrow this gap so we fall into it less often.
 
Overcoming Disappointment
The way that we measure results affects our perception of where we are and what we have achieved. Endless comparisons that use external measures of achievement can leave us running to catch up. It is easy to miss what is going on around us while our eyes are always on the horizon.
 
Disappointment is a natural response to an outcome that was less than we expected.  It is also an opportunity to reflect upon how this has come to be and what we can do to better match our hopes and expectations with what might happen.  We can tether our dreams to the life we are living rather than life as we might wish it to be.
 
If we focus on our feelings in the present rather than continually measuring outcomes, we may find ourselves taking pleasure in what is and being less concerned with what might have been.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>Thu, 25 Jul 2019 23:00:00 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-ambivalenceCharacters whose feelings are easily understood have been popular throughout our cultural histories from traditional folk tales through to modern television soap operas.  Perhaps their appeal is that for most of us life is not like that.
 
Searching for Certainty
Many traditional stories end with a couple declaring their love and an assumption they will live happily ever after.  As we get older we recognise that far from being an ending this is the beginning of another and perhaps more complex chapter in our lives.
 
We want to know what our leaders believe but lose faith when they change their minds or express doubts about their earlier views.  While they may have lied, it could also be that a complex and possibly evolving situation cannot be reduced to a single sound bite.
 
Many of us feel uncomfortable when faced with uncertainty.  If there is no single obvious option then there is a risk we will make the wrong choice.  Opinions like our feelings can change.  Knowing how we feel about the world and the people in it is not the end of the journey, but a resting place before we start to face a new day.
 
Leaving Simplicity Behind
It is easy to imagine that life was simpler when we were children.  While our world may have been smaller my memory is of struggling to make sense of what was going on around me and trying to understand how I felt about it. Historical tales often suggest they were simpler times. Yet people have been grappling with the complex issues of existence for many thousands of years through philosophy, science and the arts. Rather than feel nostalgia for an imagined time of simplicity, perhaps we can recognise and learn to embrace the continuing complexity of human emotions.
 
Complex not Mixed Messages
We sometimes find ourselves blaming others for our confusion saying that they are giving us mixed messages.  You say you want to help but when I ask you make excuses; you say that you care but when I try to get near you push me away.
 
Emotions can be complicated as feelings are not always clear and change over time.  Just as there are two sides to a coin we may feel more than one emotion at a time even if they seem to contradict one another.  I want you to love me but I do not feel lovable; I want my life to be different but I am scared of making any changes.
 
Complementary not Conflicting
At first glance it may seem these feelings are at odds with one another.  As we look closer we start to see the various elements that are combining to create these feeling in us.  In the same way that primary colours, red, yellow and blue, seem very different from one another, when combined they create subtle variations.  If we can appreciate the various shades that lie beneath the headline colours we may gain a greater insight into the how and why of feelings.
 
Avoiding the Obvious to Embrace Confusion
Seeing beyond the immediate expression of emotion to explore what lies beneath may seem like a difficult journey.  Staying on the surface is limiting and focussing only on certain aspects of what is occurring risks failing to fully understand what is happening.   Anger, love, hate and fear can all exist together and looking at one while ignoring the others is only seeing part of the picture.  Immersing ourselves in the mix of diverse emotions allows us to connect with all that is going on for us and those around us.
 
Ambivalence promotes Choice
It would be simpler if there was only one option to consider. Yet if that were the case then there would be no choice.   When we are able to recognise all that may be happening we can decide what we believe to be most important at any particular time.  We live in a changing world of rich and complex emotions rather than a cartoon.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>Sun, 26 May 2019 12:00:34 GMThttp://dengiecounselling.org/therapy-blog/living-with-estrangement​Managing the pressures of everyday life may not allow us enough time to maintain our extended relationships.  It is easy to lose track of people with passing time creating an emotional distance that can be hard to overcome. 
 
Losing Touch
We have all had people in our lives that used to be close but who we do not see any more.  They could be friends from school or work or relatives living at a distance.  We may have shared good times or sorrows, or been together during important events in our lives.
 
Flicking through photo albums in our hands or in our heads, people who appeared frequently may no longer be present.  They may have faded gradually or disappeared abruptly.  Taking time to reflect on why we lost touch and the impact on our lives may help us accept the decision rather than harbour resentment.
 
Intention or Neglect?
The distance between us may have come about through neglect or perhaps there was a disagreement left unresolved.  Maybe it so long since we last connected that the gap feels too big to cross.  Sometimes a dispute creates a barrier and the more time passes it becomes harder to explain and easier to leave things as they are.  The question remains whether this is how we want it to be.
 
Turning Towards or Away
Maintaining relationships is a choice.  Even those family connections we did not choose initially are maintained through a mutual agreement.  These are conversations we seldom have but our continued actions show our ongoing consent. 
 
We nourish our relationships by attending to them, giving our time and sharing our thoughts and feelings.  Holding back causes them to wither.  By turning towards or away we can try to bring people closer into our orbit or send them spinning off into space.
 
Protecting Ourselves
Estrangement can involve cutting people out of our lives that do not bring us joy.  Many of us feel obligated to maintain relationships that cause us pain.  We persuade ourselves that people will change or we must tolerate their behaviour for the sake of others.  Sometimes we do not believe we deserve anything more.
 
Stepping back creates the distance we need to be able to reflect on the true value of our relationships and the price of keeping the connection.  Our heads may tell us about the impact of our decisions but our hearts will show us the true cost.
 
The Price of Estrangement
Choosing to step away comes at a price.  Whether it is a rational choice or an emotional response, there will be consequences.  In some cases it is worth paying and far less than the emotional interest that accumulates when we waste ourselves on relationships that will never flourish.  The initial payment may seem high but ending one relationship gives space for someone else to bring something better into our lives.
 
Testing Assumptions
When another’s silence starts becoming permanent we may feel pushed away and tempted to try to fill the gaps with our own stories.  Their actions maybe through intention or neglect. Avoiding easy assumptions and finding out and facing their reasons allow us to understand what we really want to happen.
 
Reaching Out or Holding Back
We decide who we wish to keep in our lives and to choose how close we would like them to be.   It can be hard to maintain a safe distance from people who do not care about us in the way that we need them to.  However, it is better to have a small patch of beautiful flowers than a field choked with weeds.
 
You cannot make choices for another person but you can influence them by showing what it would be like to have you in their lives.  That could be a gift worth giving. 
 
© 2019 Michael Golding]]>