Living with Envy

The desire to possess what others have can be a powerful emotion.  Unsatisfied this causes anger and resentment creating a bitterness that can dominate our lives.
 
Objects of Desire
The advertising industry has mastered the art of making us want things. Envy is about more than this, being concerned as much with the person who has it as the thing itself. Desiring something seen in a shop window or online is not envy until we see someone else with the object of our desire. 
 
Envy is about People
Seeing somebody with something we want starts us thinking if they can have this why can’t we?  Envious desire begins with the person and only then moves to the things they have.  We might want to be like them, or how we imagine them to be, or wish others to feel this way about us.
 
Cultural Objects
Every culture has certain objects that show status and power.  Roles and titles reflect our achievements but there are other things that evidence this.  These include objects like cars, houses, clothes and jewellery.  Aspects of our lifestyle can illustrate our status such as where we go on holiday and how often.  Status can also be reflected in the youth and attractiveness of those around us, our spouse or partner and the people we spend time with.   All could be regarded as external representations of who we think are, wish to be or believe we should be.
 
Shifting Value
Rather than seeing things as having their own value, envy leads us to focus upon the value we believe they bring to us. If something is beautiful what does it say about me that I possess it?  Many of the world’s richest people continue to acquire more as if their desire fuelled by envy can never be satisfied.
 
Finding Fault
If we are unable to fulfil our desire for what others have, we may start to resent them for having it.  If our feelings are strong we might wish to spoil it or take pleasure should it be spoiled in some way.
 
Envy can mean we put someone down because it makes us feel better.  By finding fault we reduce the other’s status so that the gap does not feel so great.  The most critical people may also be the most envious.
 
Disconnection from Self
Envy can be a painful symptom of our disconnection from who we really are. Defining our status and power through external objects may mean we doubt our own inner value.  If we acquire enough external symbols perhaps nobody will see what lies beneath. 
 
This may be the result of some traumatic event or perhaps we never learned to value ourselves as children.  Envy may reflect an early wound that left us feeling we are not enough and need to become more through associating with what we believe brings value.  This fragile sense of self will remain and perhaps the more we pursue our envious desires the more disconnected we become.
 
Relationships not Things
Envy is about our relationship with others not the things they possess, and this will be dependent upon how we feel about ourselves.  Feeling less than those around us will not be changed by acquiring the things that they have or spoiling them or putting them down. 
 
Overcoming Envy
If our feelings of envy indicate a disconnection from our sense of self, then we need to rebuild that connection and establish a more solid belief in our true value. This begins by acknowledging our envious feelings and recognising how they may be influencing or affecting us.  They can be overcome by appreciating all that we have, identifying what more we might need and developing a sense of sufficiency; learning to accept that we are enough and that having more will not make us more; keeping sight of the true value of people and things rather than focussing on the value we imagine they will bestow upon us.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding