​Many of us feel stressed or stressed out by certain aspects of our lives.  While this is often focussed on a particular thing we have to do or think about, it can be helpful to look at these stressors within a wider context.
 
Ebb and Flow of Stress
We all have an ideal state of equilibrium when we function at our best.  It is natural for events in our lives to impact on us in ways that change our level of stress.  These periods when we are under additional pressure to perform need to be followed by quieter times so that we can recharge our batteries. 
 
Motivation and Control
Stress can be a motivator and with the physiological changes that often accompany it can enable us to achieve more than we normally could.   These changes might include extra adrenaline to speed up our metabolism, an increased heart-rate providing additional oxygen, and a redirected blood flow that favours our muscles and our brain.  
 
When we are able to control the situation we can maintain our focus and achieve much more than usual.  When we are being forced to act, we may feel out of control and can easily become overwhelmed.
 
External and Internal Stressors
External stressors come in the form of unexpected outside events that we need to respond to or the sudden requests and demands of others that we will struggle to fulfil. 
 
Our internal stressors are the many shoulds and shouldn’ts that we allow to exert their influence upon us.  These are messages that we have taken on board without necessarily challenging their usefulness or validity.  
 
Whatever the source, we feel we are being forced to take action against our will or possibly beyond our ability. 
 
Underlying Stress
Following any period of additional stress we would expect to return to our normal level so that we can prepare ourselves for the next spike.   When we experience stress continuously for a period of time it is easy for this to become our new normal.   We may even stop noticing the impact that it is having on us as we adjust to this new way of being.  
 
When we are living with a high level of underlying stress anything new that comes along can cause us to crank it up yet another notch which can easily push us over the edge.
 
Long term financial or health worries are common causes of underlying stress.  They can be increased by sudden extra financial demands or additional health issues or relapses.   If we are operating from our normal level of stress we would be able to absorb these new pressures more easily.
 
Long-Term Effects of Stress
The long term effects can be both psychological and physical.  Ultimately we risk burnout, which can mean a total collapse of our physical or emotional health.  There are likely to be a number of warning signs along the way. 
 
Levels of anxiety may continue to rise until we become overwhelmed.  This can produce spontaneous panic attacks or some form of meltdown such as episodes of uncontrollable rage or tearfulness.  Anxiety is also linked with depression which may be compounded by feelings of helplessness.
 
The physical impact of maintaining a constant level of readiness can range from high blood pressure and heart rate to disturbed sleeping patterns.  The endocrine system controls all of the hormones in the body so any imbalance can have far reaching effects particularly on our skin, our weight and our energy levels.  Our immune system may also suffer leaving us vulnerable to frequent minor infections, such as coughs and colds, and possibly more serious illnesses.
 
Another consequence can be a reliance on alcohol or other substances or behaviours to provide what might seem like a necessary distraction.
 
Managing Stress
Stress is not the problem so much as how we choose to manage it.  While we cannot control every aspect of our lives, we do have some control over how we respond to changes.   By learning what is our optimum level we can try to keep within it.  Being aware of how stressed we are means we can monitor its effect upon us and in particular we can look for the warning signs.
 
We can try to break up stressful periods by making sure we have some down time.  Ironically an actual holiday can be a source of additional stress, but time spent away in familiar surroundings can give us time to recharge our batteries.  Quiet pursuits such as meditation, yoga or gardening can be useful as can physical exercise unless it brings further stress through being overly competitive.

When faced with additional stressors it may be helpful to think about the immediate and the long-term impact.  Consider also if there is any way you can exert some control over the situation so that you do not feel so powerless.  In this way you may be able to turn down the volume to reduce the impact so that you can return more easily to your natural level.
 
Where the stress is internal, it can be helpful to reflect upon the origin of some of these shoulds and shouldn’ts and consider whether they really are as absolute as they might first appear.  An experienced counsellor will be able to help you work through these as well as support you in managing the day to day impact of having too much stress in your life.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

Fear is a response to a real or imagined threat of danger, pain or harm to ourselves or those we care about.    Feeling fear can create jittery feelings in our stomach and an increased heart-rate, shallow breathing and the lightheadedness that comes with it.   While the physical experience can be similar the reasons behind the feelings will be different for each of us. 

Responding to Fear
When the threat is immediate we have a natural instinct to either run away or turn and face the problem, known as the flight or fight mechanism.  Adrenaline starts to pump through our veins setting off a range of physiological changes that will help us respond in the most effective way.   There is a third response and that is to freeze and people in these situations often talk of being rooted to the spot and unable to move.
 
However, if there is no need for an immediate response then these automatic physical preparations have no release.  Instead our muscles might shake, we become flushed from the excess blood coursing through our veins, and feel so lightheaded that we might faint. Many people experience this when asked to make a speech or sit an exam.  Others seek out these feelings by watching scary films or engaging in extreme sports.
 
When the Threat is Real
Many people live under threat of harm from others.  The obvious example would be those living in a war zone, but there are many people much closer to home whose daily lives are blighted by fear.  Violence, or the threat of violence, exists in many households and has a profound effect on those who are forced to live with it.  It changes the way we see the world, which becomes an endless minefield we must carefully work our way through. Many of us will develop a range of new behaviours that are less likely to provoke a reaction and minimise the impact when we are caught.
 
When the Threat is Less Real
We can sometimes believe a threat exists even when there is little actual evidence.  This could be because we are persuaded by others that we are vulnerable or perhaps because we have experienced it in the past and imagine that it could happen again.  We see the world as a hostile place and become preoccupied with navigating the dangers and being ready to respond should we need to.
 
Long term Exposure to Fear
Experiencing such fears over a period of time may mean the original symptoms may seem  to fade as we acclimatize to this new way of being.  People living under constant threat find ways to limit their emotions to reduce their vulnerability. 
 
Fear becomes anxiety which can emerge in many different ways such as panic attacks, when we are emotionally overwhelmed, or phobias that can become the prime focus for our fears.  We can also experience a general feeling of being fearful that does not seem to be attached to any particular cause or situation.  This makes us watchful and wary as if surrounded by something that might attack any time. 
 
So much of our energies are committed to managing these feelings that there may be little time for anything, or anybody, else and can mean we separate ourselves from others.  This detachment can create a sense of isolation and emotional numbness that, for some people, can only be overcome by hurting themselves.  This hypervigilance may also lead to a range of controlling behaviours such as compulsions or eating disorders. 
 
The physical impact of always being ready to fight or run can lead to a range of stress related symptoms and ailments.  It can affect our immune system’s ability to fight infections, leaving us open to frequent bouts of common illnesses like colds and flu or more serious diseases.
 
Overcoming our Fears
Just as these situations evolve over time, it may be that we work on gradually reducing our sense of fear.    It might be helpful to explore the components that make up our particular set of fears and to try to identify their origins.  Where those threats still exist we can look at alternative ways of managing or containing them.  If they are rooted in the past it may be possible to sever the links so that they no longer have the power to affect the way we feel. 
 
It may also be necessary to unlearn any particular behaviour or other coping mechanisms that may have kept us safe before but which now prevent us from fully enjoying our lives. Learning how to focus on our present situation can often help us differentiate between then and now, allowing us to shrug off our negative feelings from the past.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

Use of the term OCD has become commonplace with people typically using these letters to refer in a light-hearted way to an over-attention to detail.   However ritualistic behaviour can be so much more than simple quirks or minor compulsions and can seriously limit our ability to experience life to the full.
 
The Importance of Rituals
Necessary rituals are focussed on things we feel we must do as well as things we must avoid.  Many professionals use checklists to ensure everything is in place before they begin.  Pilots carry out pre-flight checks and before surgical operations each of the specialist staff will have worked through their own checklist to make sure they are able to carry out their roles.  These preparations are about safety and effectiveness and help people adopt the correct mindset for the task.
 
Many people involved in sports or entertainment add additional rituals to their preparations.  While these may have their roots in religious or superstitious beliefs, it also promotes a mindset that gets them in the zone where they perform at their best.
 
Most of us take part in religious rituals even if our faith is not particularly strong.  Marking births, marriages and deaths with dedicated ceremonies reminds us of the cyclical nature of our lives and reinforces the power of community by creating opportunities for people to share and support each other in their joy and sorrow.
 
Types of Ritualistic Behaviour
Many of us have developed our own personal rituals that feel very natural, though they might seem strange to others.  We may even be unaware of certain behaviours that are necessary to us and that we might struggle to do without.
 
The more familiar types of ritualistic behaviour are based on issues around cleaning ourselves or our surroundings, checking locks and doors and that switches are off, or creating symmetry so that items in the environment are all carefully aligned.
 
Most of us are affected by these to a degree, but for some people failing to achieve the necessary level of cleanliness, security or symmetry can lead to overwhelming emotions which can have a significant impact on their ability to function.
 
Warding Off Catastrophe
Routine checks are designed to keep us safe. They also give us a sense of being in control and not totally subject to external forces.  For those with more complicated daily routines, fear may lie at the heart of their rituals with anxiety also having a role to play. 
 
Experiencing trauma can create a sense of fear or anxiety that some people find difficult to overcome.  This could be a single event, often described as a catastrophe, or a period of time when we did not feel safe.
 
A catastrophe comes out of the blue and rocks our world to its foundations.  It can leave us feeling vulnerable and not knowing what we can do to prevent it happening again.  Being under threat for a period of time can create in us a constant state of vigilance.  
 
One response to both of these scenarios is to create a story around a set of actions that if followed strictly will help to keep us safe.  This can establish a sense of order in a world we might experience as being out of our control.
 
Fire drills and safety checks have a clear link to the risks that we face.  Repetitious handwashing or repeatedly checking doors and windows may have a less direct link as the perceived threat is more ambiguous, but the effect is the same as it gives some sense of security and helps to keep the fears at bay.
 
When Supports Become Millstones
Many of us have going to work rituals that help us get into the right frame of mind.  Others believe particular items of clothing bring them luck and getting ready for a night out can become an enjoyable part of the whole experience.
 
Everything changes when the preparations start to become more important than the event. When the gap between the ritual and any practical benefit starts to widen, there is a risk of the positive value turning negative.  The first time you wash your hands or check the locks can be justified but every time after that brings no additional practical value.
 
Focusing on a repetitive action can be a helpful distraction from our fears and anxieties.  When the ritual is so complex that failing to complete, which may happen often, requires a return to the start can mean you do not leave the house.  Indeed it can become a way of ensuring that you do not have to leave the house.
 
When a ritual is a springboard for further actions then it continues to be useful.  When it becomes an action in itself or holds us back from any further actions, the balance is starting to shift.  We might start to question whether the emotional benefits we get justify the impact on our everyday lives and possibly on those around us.
 
Managing Ritualistic Behaviour
These behaviours have a role and we need to think carefully before we do away with them. It may be helpful to look at managing them more effectively, while also considering their origins and the underlying feelings that gave rise to them.
 
Recognising their value in bringing peace of mind and considering the extent of any problem they pose allows us to appreciate the trade-off.  Minimally invasive rituals that help us manage our trauma may seem like a reasonable exchange.  This may be particularly true when the experiences are recent and feelings are still very raw. 
 
Where our lives are adversely affected, there may be an advantage in looking for alternative and less intrusive means to achieve the same goals.  Reducing the frequency of the behaviours will naturally reduce their impact.
 
The way we are is very often a direct response to what has happened to us.  Our experience is unique and complex, and so is our response.  Through unpicking our experiences it may be possible to identify the origins of our behaviours and begin to gently explore the underlying fear.  Appreciating and understanding our emotions can reduce their disruptive power and as the fear recedes there is less need to manage it.
 
A skilled therapist can help us to manage the impact of ritualistic behaviours and support us as we explore the events in our lives that have led to us developing these complex defences against painful feelings.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​To many of us shame might seem to be a very specific emotion that only results from certain embarrassing events which we are easily able to put behind us.  However, feelings of shame can be much more elusive and have a significant impact on every aspect of our lives.
 
Childhood Shame
For some of us childhood can seem like an endless series of hurdles to overcome.  At home, particularly if there are other children, we work hard to get the love, attention and approval of the adults around us. We try out different behaviours to find out what works well and what does not and use their responses to decide who we are and how we need to be.
 
At school we are encouraged to compete against each other.  Both formally in exams and regular assessments, and informally in the playground hoping to be picked by class mates to play on their team.  Our position in the class, our performance in sports, whether we are a sheep or a shepherd in the nativity play, combine to give us a sense of how we are valued by others and therefore how we should value ourselves.
 
We may be told we have disappointed others perhaps by failing to achieve what they expected, however unrealistic that might have been.  We might also judge ourselves as harshly when we fail to make those around us happy, or are unable to keep our parents from arguing or splitting up.
 
Some children seem able to shrug off these feelings, particularly if there is enough positive feedback to counteract it.  Others develop a sense of personal shame that may stay with them forever.
 
Shameful Acts or Omissions
Shame is often connected to an expectation of what will happen.  Whenever we use the word 'should', there is a potential source of shame.
 
When expectations fail to materialise we can feel solely responsible and can be encouraged by others to blame ourselves.  As these experiences accumulate self-blame becomes shame as we start to believe that we are unable to achieve what others can.  This could include educational opportunities missed through failed exams or chances not taken through a lack of courage or confidence.  
 
Most of us have done things we regret.  This might involve hurting others by our actions or through neglect.  Being ashamed of what we have done, or left undone, might pass if we are able to recognise the reasons for what occurred.  If we believe we are solely to blame because of our personal failings we may develop a sense of shame that becomes an integral part of who we think we are.  
 
Secret Shame
Shame is generally a very private emotion.  The last thing we would want is to draw attention to shameful aspects of ourselves by telling others how we feel, so we develop a catalogue of protective behaviours to avoid others finding out.
 
Our inability to meet cultural and societal standards we are told to aspire to can create a lot of negative feelings.  When we accept the blame for this, rather than challenging the reality of these sometimes impossible standards, our repeated failures can turn to shame.  An obvious source of shame is the belief that we have the wrong body shape or skin tone and, most importantly, that this is in some way our fault. 
 
Many people, particularly youngsters, feel shame following the bullying or abusive actions of others as they are persuaded of their guilt for what occurred.  Feelings of shame can also result from unintentional actions.  Teachers may fail to identify and respond to difficulties we are experiencing with learning.  Rather than recognise this as a failure of the education system, many of us see it as a failure in ourselves.
 
Impact of Shame
Specific negative experiences can feed into a more generalised sense of shame about the way we appear in the world.  Over time these feelings can become a belief if they are repeated often enough.  To be told that something we have done is unforgivable can create a lifelong view of our position in the world, based on the actions of a moment.
 
Holding a negative perception of ourselves which we believe others would share if they knew can cause us always to hold back so that we do not get noticed.
 
For many of us shame leads us to feel we do not deserve happiness, success or recognition.  When we do achieve any of these, we put it down to chance and feel certain it will not last or that it is a mistake that will soon be discovered.
 
This sense of not deserving can mean we deny our ambitions and accept only what others might choose to give to us.   It is better to live in the shadow of others than have a light shining on us.   Many people fear being discovered for who they really are and regard any positive recognition as temporary at best.
 
Believing that we do not deserve any of the good things in life can quickly lead to a very private form of despair which for some people is too much to bear.
 
Unravelling our Shame
Reducing the impact of shame involves understanding the source of our existing beliefs about ourselves and changing the pattern of our thinking so we no longer find reasons to confirm them.
 
We can begin to appreciate the impact of shame on our life as we unpick our negative feelings across a range of different areas to explore their roots.  You may be surprised how much shame you are carrying and how much of it has been dumped on you by others.  Some people are quick to express their disappointment with their lives and to shift the blame for this on to others rather than examine themselves.
 
Doing your best on the day is not enough for someone who believes they could always do better.  Are these our expectations or have they been put on to us by others?  Separating our ambitions from those of other people, particularly our parents, can release us from a treadmill that will never lead to happiness.
 
There can be a number of reasons why we fail to achieve what was expected.  Bringing to light our actual contribution to an outcome and considering how much is down to the situation, the circumstances or the actions of others can help us separate out what we are really responsible for.  Appreciating the reasonableness of any expectations and acknowledging what is our fault and what is not can help to create a different viewpoint.
 
Seeing every situation as having a unique set of circumstances can also bring about a shift in our perspective.   Perhaps then we can recognise that making mistakes does not make us bad and we can feel regret and sorrow without it becoming shame.  What we do is not always who we are.

A counsellor can be a helpful support as we change the pattern of our thinking and learn to apply a different mindset when considering our own actions and the actions of others.
 
 © 2018 Michael Golding

While everyone feels angry at various times, there are some people who seem to become angry more easily and more often than others.   For these people many aspects of their daily lives seem to cause angry feelings which can be difficult for them, and those around them, to deal with.  They seem able to access angry feelings more easily, as if they are nearer to the surface and always ready to burst through.  This may be because they are living with unresolved feelings of anger that they have been holding on to for a long time.
 
Proportionate Responses
Anger is a necessary and natural response to the frustrations and difficulties of our daily lives.  Sometimes we are thwarted by the actions of others or by changes in circumstances that are out of our control.   We express this anger through words and gestures so that other people know how we feel. 
 
A healthy emotional response remains connected to the initial stimulus and once expressed begins to fade away.  This would be regarded as a proportionate response to a situation. Feelings of anger that persist long after the experience has passed, and are expressed in a particularly aggressive or violent way, suggest a more complex emotional response to the situation.
 
Anger and Rage
When something happens that makes us angry it can be healthy simply to express it, as once expressed the emotion is gone.   When we link it with previous occasions, perhaps when something similar happened, and use this as a way of maintaining the feeling for longer we are moving from anger to rage.  Phrases we typically use are ‘why does this always happen to me’ or ‘why can’t you ever do what you are told’.  Using ‘always’ and ‘ever’ suggest that the feelings have moved beyond the present situation to connect with past experiences.
 
When current feelings combine with previous, possibly unexpressed, emotions they can become overwhelming.  We may find ourselves acting in ways that we struggle to control and that others may be unable to understand.  People have described this as being like a red mist coming down.  Some people express this rage outwardly with aggressive language and possibly physical violence, while others turn this rage inwards by hurting themselves or putting themselves in danger.
 
Unexpressed Anger
In some relationships not everyone is allowed to spontaneously express their feelings.  In many families only the adults are allowed to be angry.  When children show their anger it is sometimes described as a tantrum.  They are discouraged from expressing this particular emotion and even punished if they try.  Not acknowledging the anger experienced by children risks these feelings becoming suppressed long into adulthood and emerging in destructive and unhelpful ways.  
 
Children’s responses may not be fully understood by adults and can seem disproportionate.  Youngsters express their feelings as they occur and often see the world in more dramatic terms than their parents.  They do not always understand the actions of others and so can draw the wrong conclusions.  Young children will often feel confused and angry when parents argue or separate and may even blame themselves for being the cause or at least for not being able to prevent it from happening. 
 
Anger, Shame and Violence
Feelings of shame at what we have done, or not done, can lead to a growing sense of anger.  Not being able to express this feeling directly can lead to minor irritations becoming the spur for prolonged expressions of rage which may be accompanied by acts of violence.  Where shame, perhaps resulting from humiliating experiences at the hands of others, is compounded the rage that is eventually expressed can be almost volcanic in both its energy and its impact. 
 
Blowing our tops in this way can make us feel better in the short term as some of the tension we have been carrying around with us has been released.  However the impact on those around us can be significant and the tension will start to build once again so that the cycle needs to be repeated.
 
Experiencing trauma can also be a source of anger and shame which is then expressed in ways that might seem unrelated to the original experience.
 
Consequences of Uncontrolled Anger and Rage
Carrying around excessive anger can be crippling.  We struggle constantly to control an emotional chain reaction that can be set off at any moment by any number of unrelated external triggers.  Our relationships are inevitably affected as people around us become wary of how we might respond in any situation. They may even start to fear us so that they are always on their guard and unable to act naturally around us.  This can result in a continual state of tension that may feed into the frustration that lights the fuse to ignite our rage.
 
The risks are poor relationships and a lack of intimacy, combined with regular acts of violence which can lead to personal injury and possibly prison terms.
 
Managing Anger and Rage
The first step is to identify the difference between anger in the moment and the rage that spills out from beneath the surface.  Making this separation can help us identify what triggers the rage in us and try to avoid such situations, if possible, or at least reduce their impact.  Grounding ourselves in the present can help us ensure we are connecting with what is happening in the moment rather than drawing on past experiences.  We can learn to distinguish between an anger response and a rage response so that situations do not escalate out of our control.  There are many techniques we can use such as focussing on our breathing, feeling the ground beneath our feet, and even counting to ten before we respond to something.
 
It can also be helpful to explore the origins of any unexpressed anger or rage.  It may have its roots in a particular incident or may stem from a situation which lasted for many months or even years.  Working through the old emotions attached to these past experiences can allow them to surface so that they can be expressed safely and no longer need to emerge through other routes.
 
A skilled counsellor can help in both managing anger and rage in the present and exploring its origins so that its power to control our lives slowly fades.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

People experiencing depression often have a continuous low mood, a lack of interest in day to day experiences, feelings of hopelessness and a reduced sense of their individual value.  Not being able to control when it might come and not being able to see a way forward are also key components.
 
Depression is sometimes linked with anxiety.  Fear of being overwhelmed by our feelings can result in a detachment from life as we try to avoid people and situations which might provoke this response in us.
 
Causes of Depression
For a long time depression was thought to be linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain which anti-depressants were believed to rebalance.  This theory has now been discredited as no conclusive scientific evidence has been found to indicate any chemical or biological cause for depression.
 
It is far more likely that depression is a natural response to overwhelming events in our lives.  This may result from being in a difficult or oppressive situation for a period of time or be a response to a single event that we are unable to overcome.  In either case we may find ourselves reassessing our view of the world and ourselves and drawing negative conclusions.
 
The low mood coupled with low energy can create a sense of hopelessness, a lack of self-belief and trust in those around us, and a feeling that the situation will not change.  The ultimate expression of this hopelessness is suicide.
 
Medical Response to Depression
Antidepressants may bring temporary relief from oppressive feelings which may be important in providing an opportunity to explore other options.   However medication is not generally regarded as a long term solution and can have unhelpful side effects.
 
It is important to make sure there is no underlying physical cause such as anaemia or thyroid problems or a vitamin deficiency. These can be identified through a blood test.
 
Slowing the Downward Spiral
There may be emotional triggers that start the spiral into depression, such as certain events or situations or things other people might say or do.  These connections are not always obvious and can seem unrelated, which is why these feelings sometimes seem to come out of the blue.  However, if emotional triggers can be identified it becomes possible to find ways to manage them so we cease to be as vulnerable to their impact.
 
Feelings of helplessness in the face of current circumstances can be compounded over time with each bout of depression drawing upon previous ones.  In this way a single emotional response can start a descent into darkness with no apparent way out and no belief in the possibility of change.  
 
When our response to a current situation connects with previous similar occasions the experience can change from being an emotion felt in the present to a mood lasting several days or longer.   This can make the difference between feeling helpless in a particular situation to believing yourself to be helpless in every situation.
 
By learning to recognise what triggers these feelings and keeping them focussed in the present it may be possible to manage them more effectively and reduce their impact. 
 
The Road to Recovery
Recognising that depression is a natural response to what we have experienced means that being depressed is not our fault and that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us.  
 
For many people experiencing depression there may have been times when they did not feel this way.  Though this may be a distant memory, it can provide a route back to a better time.  Others may not be able to remember a time when they did not feel depressed, however there may be an ebb and flow of feelings which creates an opportunity to focus on those times, however brief, when the feelings seem to subside.
 
If we can keep our feelings in the present so that they do not link with past experiences we may keep them from becoming overwhelming.  Grounding ourselves means focussing on what is happening now, rather than seeing each event as being part of some larger negative experience beyond our control.  In time this may help us become more resilient and less vulnerable to outside events and influences so that we can start to rebuild our self-belief. 
 
It may also be helpful to try to identify the life events that may have caused  this response. While some will not be resolvable, it may be possible to reflect on what led us to respond in this way so that we can develop the ability to choose how we respond in the future.
 
Where there has been some trauma, either a single event or repeated experiences, focussing on this might also offer a way out of the darkness.
 
Support for People Experiencing Depression
Everyone’s experience of depression is unique.  Recognising this as a natural response to the life we have lived provides a way to explore the nature of those experiences and reflect upon our responses both then and now.   An experienced counsellor hearing our story without judgement can be an invaluable companion on this road to recovery.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

The Importance of Relationships
We are all living in a network of relationships.  We describe ourselves as parents or grandparents, husbands or wives, brothers or sisters, partners and friends.  This positions us within our community and becomes an important part of our personal identity.  Many people actively seek out particular relationships to earn their place in society. 
 
Such relationships are evidence that we are loved, valued and respected.  They can become a key element in our creation of a solid sense of who we are and how we fit into the world.  While each of these carries a responsibility, they are also a source of comfort and support so there is give and take in every healthy relationship.   All of this can be challenged and become undermined when relationships start to go wrong.
 
Problems in Relationships 
Each person within a relationship will see it differently and they will have their own desires and expectations.  These will be influenced by previous experiences, current values and beliefs and the importance placed on the relationship in their lives as a whole.
 
Problems arise when there is a significant mismatch between these viewpoints.  For example some people believe their romantic relationship and their immediate family are the most important part of their lives.  Others may not define themselves by any one relationship but see themselves within a wider context that might include work colleagues, social status or a role within their extended family. 
 
Satisfying Relationships
Each person experiences a shared relationship differently and understanding what it means for each of us will increase the chance of our individual needs and desires being met.  
 
When relationships begin there may be talk of what each person wants.  Romantic relationships may initially be overshadowed by physical desires and can include many assumptions such as creating a family.
 
People are always evolving and our personal priorities change as we move through life. What seems important when we are young can seem less so as we get older and objectives agreed at the start may no longer be fulfilling further down the track.  Shared goals and assumptions need to be revisited regularly as peoples’ needs, desires and expectations change. 
 
Managing Relationships
It is not uncommon for people to tell a disappointed partner that they thought what they were doing was what they wanted.  Another common belief is that people would know what we wanted if they really cared about us.
 
If the key to managing relationships is understanding what people need and want, then it is important that we are able to communicate this.  Only then can we begin to negotiate a way forward.
 
You need to fully understand your own desires so that you can express yourself honestly and openly in a way that can be understood.  It is equally important that you are able to listen without judgement or prejudice to understand what the other is saying.   If you each know what the other person wants then you can plan for the future.
 
It is easy to be blinded to another’s needs by the power of our own.  When this happens there is always the risk that when desires are not fulfilled in one relationship satisfaction may be sought in another.
 
This applies whatever the relationship, whether it is parent and child, brothers and sisters or even partners in business.
 
Supporting Healthy Relationships
An experienced counsellor can help people to get to the heart of what they currently want from a relationship and support each of them in expressing this clearly to the other.  By working this through it may be possible to realign a relationship so that it more accurately reflects peoples’ current needs, desires and expectations rather than being rooted in the past or being focussed on an impossible future.

© 2017 Michael Golding

​Origins of Trauma
Many people are familiar with the idea of battlefield veterans having flashbacks that cause them to wake up screaming as they imagine being back in the war zone.  Some people also experience post-traumatic symptoms having suffered sexual abuse as children and carrying those memories into their adult lives. 
 
While these may seem extreme examples, any of us can have experiences that have the potential to traumatise us.  The trauma could be a single event or an accumulation of repeated episodes.  Witnessing the death of a loved one in dramatic circumstances can create a traumatic memory, while someone bullied over a long period may experience a series of incidents that combine in their minds to form the trauma.
 
Trauma may result whenever we have an intense and overwhelming emotional experience, particularly when it is coupled with acute negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame.
 
Processing Experiences
For most of us what we experience remains in our thoughts for a short while before being stored as a memory.  Over time it becomes absorbed into our other memories and is largely forgotten.  We can choose to recall the moment, rather like looking through a photo album, and then put it away again.
 
It is a natural process for experiences to gradually move further from awareness making way for newer memories.  Certain peak experiences may remain longer in our thoughts.  This sometimes happens with bereavement as we continue to think about our loved ones long after they have left us, though this too begins to fade with time.
 
Effects of Trauma
People who are traumatised may struggle to forget.  They experience vivid re-enactments of their trauma as deeply disturbing dreams and frequently as daytime thoughts and images intruding unwanted into their daily lives.  These random intrusive thoughts are difficult to manage, being experienced as visions or sounds that disturb and distract them from their everyday tasks as they relive the trauma once again.  While they seem to come at random, something will trigger these memories.  It may be a sound or a smell or they may be brought on by particular feelings such as anxiety or fear.
 
By remaining in our consciousness these thoughts can prevent us from fully engaging with any new experiences so we start to feel dislocated from what is going on around us.  In addition compared with the intensity of the traumatic experience everyday life can begin to seem dull and meaningless making it harder to connect with others including our family and friends. 
 
Resolving Symptoms of Trauma
The first step is to re-connect with what is happening in our lives in the present.  Learning to focus on the moment helps to overcome feelings of dislocation and reduces the impact of intrusive thoughts and images.
 
It may then be possible to explore the traumatic experience so it can be incorporated into our memories.  This involves talking it through in a safe environment with someone who is not going to judge us.  The event is revisited in detail and the associated emotions are identified and acknowledged. 
 
In this way the traumatic event is placed within the wider context of our lives.  While it may remain a peak experience, it no longer feels as extreme and loses the power to cast such a huge shadow over us.
 
Helping people to manage and overcome the feelings resulting from trauma is a delicate process that needs to be managed sensitively to avoid re-traumatising them further.
 
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms you may be dealing with the impact of some trauma and could benefit from specialist help and support.  Many Counsellors are able to work with trauma and can help both with processing the traumatic experience and keeping you grounded in the present.
 
 © 2017 Michael Golding

​When considering loss our thoughts often turn to the death of a loved one, something we all expect to experience during our lives. 
 
When someone dies our relationship with them becomes frozen in time.  So although loss seems linked with the past, it is the future that has changed.  Our identity may also shift as we cease to be a son or a husband, a daughter or a wife.
 
The Importance of Grieving
The effects of loss can be reduced if we take enough time to appreciate their impact on our lives.  For this reason every culture around the world has rituals that celebrate the departed and support those that remain.
 
Carrying on with our lives without fully acknowledging what has happened risks our emotions becoming bottled up.  These feelings might even emerge later in unexpected ways that can be more difficult to manage.
 
Responses to Loss
There are a wide range of reactions and emotions that would be expected following any loss.  It is important to recognise that people respond very differently from one another, both in the intensity of their expressed feelings and how long they appear to last. 
 
We may also find ourselves feeling emotions we had not expected.  This sometimes happens with an expected death following a long illness. 
 
While there is often a lot of support for people in the days following bereavement, many people find this tails off as others get on with their lives.  The feelings of loss persist and a growing sense of isolation may make them even harder to manage.
 
Other Forms of Loss
There are many other forms of loss.  The loss of a job or a relationship can lead to very similar feelings.  Young people with lower grades than expected may lose the chance to pursue their chosen career.
 
All involve a possible shift in our identity, a significant change to our daily routines and having to accept a different future from the one we imagined for ourselves.   Taking time to grieve for these losses can make them easier to bear and reduce the risk of issues arising in the future.
 
Impact of Loss
It is important to consider the broader implications of any loss.  Relationships can be a source of safety and so losing someone who contributed to our sense of security can cause us to feel vulnerable.  This might lead to feelings of anxiety which may keep us from fully engaging with life. 
 
The manner of the loss can also affect our response as we might be left with traumatic memories.  Watching medical staff try in vain to resuscitate a loved one may leave people with violent images that come back to them in their sleep or even as intrusive thoughts during the day.  Such post-traumatic experiences are very disturbing and can have long term effects if not addressed.
 
Managing Feelings of Loss
Loss can be like a stone thrown in a lake.  Initially it makes a big splash, and then sends ripples spreading in all directions affecting every part of our lives.
 
There is value in taking time to consider what this change means for us and allowing our feelings to emerge.   Accepting how we feel, without judgement, and allowing time for the full range of complex emotions to appear will help to reduce the negative long term impact of such significant events.
 
While the feelings surrounding loss will continue for many years, there is an expectation that their impact on our daily lives will diminish with time as we adjust to the change.
 
If you are feeling overwhelmed following an experience of loss, particularly if your ability to function is affected, or if you are experiencing unexpected symptoms or emotions, then it may be helpful to talk to a Counsellor.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Everybody feels anxious from time to time.   Common examples are the feelings young people get before taking an exam, while many adults feel anxious before giving a speech.  Performance nerves can help us to focus, but for many of us these feelings get in the way of our enjoyment.
 
For some people these feelings are so strong that their lives are severely affected.  They may start to avoid certain situations, particularly those involving other people, which can result in them becoming isolated and withdrawn.
 
People can experience long term physical effects from high levels of anxiety such as eczema and other skin disorders and muscular tension can lead to back and neck pain or headaches.  People can also suffer from general exhaustion, particularly when sleep is affected.
 
Symptoms of Anxiety
Anxiety is often felt in the chest and throat, affecting our breathing which can become short and shallow.  This can lead to feeling light-headed and create a sense of being separated from our surroundings as if we were in our own little bubble.  Our voice may start to sound cracked or shaky, higher in pitch or we might lose our voice altogether. 
 
Levels of Anxiety
We all expect to feel some anxiety before an important event.  We notice it building then peak as the event gets under way.  We would then expect the feelings to fade once the event is over.
 
For some people this peak can be excessive and very hard to manage.  They may start to feel out of control and may find their hands shaking and their voices becoming croaky.  This limits their ability to perform effectively and reduces their enjoyment.   Over time it may significantly affect their wellbeing.
 
There are also people who are in a permanently agitated state.  For them any temporary increase in anxiety comes at a high price with all of the expected symptoms being significantly exaggerated and therefore much harder to manage.  It may also take much longer for these feelings to subside.
 
Free Floating Anxiety
When these feelings come upon us without a recognisable source they are sometimes described as free-floating anxiety.  The underlying cause can be hard to pin down and they can be unpredictable as there are no clear triggers.  For example, this may be rooted in not having felt safe as a child growing up or losing someone, such as a parent or partner, who created in us that feeling of safety. 
 
Being in a stressful situation for a long period can also cause such feelings to become a permanent part of our lives.  Having this anxiety always in the background is challenging for us and when an anxiety provoking situation occurs our feelings can go off the scale.
 
Panic Attacks
A panic attack is particularly unpleasant and very upsetting for the person experiencing it and those who are around them at the time.   It can be so disturbing that the fear of having such an attack can dominate people’s lives.  People have described the sensation as being like having a heart-attack with particular emphasis on being unable to breathe.  Some people fear they will collapse while others have an overwhelming impulse to run away.  In many cases there is a fear of losing physical control.
 
My understanding is that people become overwhelmed to the point where they cannot contain their emotions.  This may be the result of a single event or an accumulation of circumstances with the final trigger being something that might seem almost trivial to an outsider.
 
Managing Anxiety
I believe there are two aspects to successfully dealing with anxiety.  Firstly learning to manage the feelings in real time when they occur, and then exploring the origins of these feelings and identifying their triggers. 
 
Many successful techniques are based on creating a feeling of being grounded.  Deep breathing, with a short inward breath and a long outward breath, can increase our feelings of calm.  The physical sensation of being grounded can come from touching solid objects and focussing on feeling the ground beneath our feet.  Awareness of our body and its physical surroundings through movement may also counter feelings of being out of control and disconnected.
 
For people who are experiencing an underlying level of anxiety that seems to have no obvious cause it might be helpful to reflect upon aspects of your life which were unsettling and particularly on any recent changes.  Counsellors are trained to work with people to explore the origins of these feelings and to help them develop strategies to manage their symptoms as they occur.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding